• Books & Reading,  Experience,  Reviews

    Tell Me What You Want

    I’ve been reading a rather interesting study on American sexual desire titled Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How it Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by Justin Lehmiller, PhD. There are 8 intriguing chapters in this book, and since fantasy is at the root of our sex therapy work right now, I think it might be useful to take this one a chapter at a time and do a bit of personal reflection on it. Chapter One This chapter is mainly about the survey that Lehmiller bases much of his theories on. It’s a valuable chapter, though, as it clearly states his definition…

  • My EJC Responses

    The State of Our Sexual Union

    From wikipedia: The State of the Union Address (sometimes abbreviated to SOTU) is an annual message[1] delivered by the president of the United States to the U.S. Congress near the beginning of each calendar year on the current condition of the nation.[2] The message typically includes reports on the nation’s budget, economy, news, agenda, achievements and the president’s priorities and legislative proposals.[3] At the end of January, I did a post called Sex Stats that included some of this same info. The State of Our Sexual Union is stronger than it has been in some time. Statistics from last year show that we had sex a total of 50 times over the course of twelve months, with two months being…

  • Experience

    Who Decides the Foundations of a D/s Relationship?

    Some time ago, Mr. D asked me to really think about how I wanted D/s to play out in our lives…what I want from it, how much, how often, etc. I haven’t really been putting it off intentionally. Rather, I’ve pulled it from my central focus so that it could reside equally (among other topics) in our current conversation about fulfilling each other’s fantasies. See, I know He’s reticent to try anything we’ve tried before and failed at. He’s afraid to commit His time and energy to something only to have me pull away from it. The thing is, we’re not in the same place we were when His desperation…

  • Experience

    Identifying each other’s fantasies (part 2)

    After our last sex therapy session, we walked away with a vague solution of fulfilling each other’s fantasies more, and during the ride home we determined to both take the time to create a list of what we thought the other person’s fantasies were. We planned to then give this list to the other — add, delete, revise — and then return it so it could be used as a reference tool. But as I sat down to create my list, I realized how woefully blank I was on the subject of my Husband’s fantasies. I wasn’t at a complete loss. I came up with about 5 things, but I…

  • Experience

    Identifying each other’s fantasies

    It was rather serendipitous that we had a fight *uncomfortable conversation* on Friday night in which the very seed of our marital problems had a bit of a grow. See, our marriage is pretty perfect in every way but one. Even our sex life is good, except when it comes to our fantasies and proclivities. We mesh well, chemically, spiritually, and physically. He fits me perfectly, the size of Him hitting exactly the right spot just about every. damn. time. But lying there in bed, in a piece of lingerie that I didn’t find particularly sexy (but He did, which is all that really matters sometimes…and I’m okay with that),…

  • Experience

    Sex Therapy Update

    So I feel like we are finally moving past the introductory-style meetings with our therapist, where discussing history, communication, dynamics, etc. is the focus, and we are getting to the point where our sex life is taking the front seat. That’s not to say that there hasn’t been an undercurrent of that all along. It’s the reason we went to him. But our “homework” for our next session is the last of the work to be assigned from Gottman’s 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work. From the assignments in this book, we’ve pretty much solidified that our friendship and partnership are not the problem (which we already knew, but it’s…

  • Experience

    Hormone Therapy: The Adventure Begins

    I’ve done it before…and it didn’t have much of an impact, but I’m trying it again, years later, and I’m hoping for a different outcome (is this the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results?). Yesterday, I went to the gynecologist suggested by our sex therapist, who seems to think getting my hormones under control and getting me off Prozac is going to bring my libido back. The problem is, I only just started taking Prozac (a super low dose) in September. Which really means, that’s not the problem. And the gynecologist didn’t seem to think that was having any impact at all,…

  • Experience

    Putting in the work

    As I’ve noted before, Mr. D and I have been going to a sex therapist/marriage counselor, Dr. Roger Libby, for a little while now. It began making a difference from the first day, because it was obvious how different he was from a regular marriage counselor. He gave us hope and immediately started guided us with actions to take rather than simply discussions of feelings or rehashing the past. We’re definitely a committed couple, for all our other relationship faults. And neither of us wants our relationship to fail. We moved past all the people we could live with and landed on the one we couldn’t live without, which is…

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