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A Holy Yes
“Our task it to say a holy yes to the real things of our life.” Natalie Goldberg We stayed up late talking. About us. And our relationship. And sex. It’s never a good idea, but the truth-serum, courage-inducing, emotion-heightening fog of alcohol and fatigue break down barriers and make us weak. Yes, we know, we’ve got a problem. But there is some good that comes of it sometimes. As long as we’ve held our tongues and said nothing outwardly combative, sometimes we uncover truths that have lain in darkness. In the couch, before bed, He said I don’t make my desires clear…that He wants to know what I want…
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Light and Dark
In each of us there is darkness and light. We are multidimensional, with “good” and not-so-good qualities. We have “quirks” and cracks, all based on what society deems acceptable. Alone, we just are. But when put with others, we are mirrors. And we are easily given to comparison, continually measuring normality, fighting or living up to expectation, and dealing with the emotional price of doing so. Not all of us question so much or spend as long in introspection, but those of us who do…we over-thinkers…can spend more time in our heads than in the world. The irony is, the world is in my head, determining my thoughts too much…
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Fear
Today’s topic for The Submissive Advent Calendar is fear…specifically in relation to submission. But let me expand it to my sex life. The longer we go without, the more afraid I become. Not so much that he will leave or find someone else (he has promised that he isn’t going anywhere and that he will remain faithful)…but that I will lose him, anyway. That we will simply slip into existence. That intimacy will disappear. That our connection will dry up and leave us with no way back. That I won’t be able to find him again. I’m afraid that my libido will finally dip so low it will recede into…
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Keeping the candle lit
I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t feel well. I woke too early, my eyes were puffy in response to something I’d eaten, I’m guessing. Or maybe I cried in my sleep. And I simply had no energy or motivation. I was low, too. So I spent the day sleeping and hidden in my book, where I could stop thinking and just be. In our conversation Saturday morning, he made many valid points, but there was no solution. I was basically left with: I suck, and there’s nothing that can be done. He feels sex is a bad idea, in this climate, and noted regret for the last time, when,…
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Trouble in Paradise
We’re struggling over here, my friends. And the issue is an old one…one that rears its head yearly, and yearly makes things more and more difficult. I won’t belabor it. Too many of you have been around long enough to know the trouble we’ve seen. For those who are new, a very simplistic summary. 1. We have differing sex drives. I suspect an early hysterectomy affecting hormones, along with mental health issues, stress, exhaustion…and now perimenopause. 2. We also have differing sexual needs. I prefer monogamy, he leans toward polyamory…or at least swinging or other options that allow access to experiences with others. 3. We both need intimacy, but I…
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Mistakes were made…
I have a poster on my classroom wall that says… Yesterday, a student noticed it, said he liked it, and noted how true it was. I emphatically agreed, extending the conversation a bit with, “if you never fail, it means you aren’t being challenged. If things are always easy, and you always get A’s, that means you aren’t learning anything. And that means I’m not doing my job.” It honestly looked like a light bulb had just gone on above his head. And later, one went off above mine, as I related it to this quote and to my own life–my marriage specifically…and even more specifically, our sex life. Mistakes…
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Trust Issues
It’s hard to admit I have trust issues in my marriage. Even sitting in front of our therapist, his direct question hanging in the air between us… Do you trust him? …I wanted to say, “Yes, of course, I do. He’s my husband. Why wouldn’t I?” But instead I gave a very clumsy, complicated answer, trying hard to be as honest as possible ( one does that when one is paying a fortune to get advice from a nationally acclaimed sex therapist…one cannot afford to waste minutes like little gold coins): I trust him in lots of ways. I trust him with my life…with our finances. But I guess I…
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Change
Last night I yawned, and stretched, and he reached over, tweaked my nipple and ruined my stretch. We both laughed…because it’s an inside joke…something he always does (or used to, when we were okay). The night before, he smacked my ass with a wooden spoon (the one he uses to itch beneath his cast) when I got up to refill my drink. Later he mentioned how good it felt to spank me…even if it was just a playful swat in the company of others during the course of our normal family evening. Those little sexual undercurrents that infuse themselves into daily activities are the heartbeat of a thriving sex life.…
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Moonlit
There are a lot of great quotes and poems out there about the positives surrounding the dark. It is the only time we can see the stars, for example. The winter clears the branches and let’s the light in. Darkness appears to be necessary in many ways, even though it often gets a bad reputation for being negative and destructive. I live much of my life in the dark, both literally and metaphorically, but I also, therefore, spend a lot of time emerging…waking up…and learning from the dreams that only make themselves known when my eyes are closed. In the dark, blindfolded by my own ignorance, I search for light…
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Vulnerable
I’m not good at being vulnerable, and I think that may have a lot to do with why I have a blog like this. Confessional writing gives me the opportunity to be vulnerable…safely. You can’t see me. Most of you don’t even know me, though you may feel you do (and rightfully so, in many regards, because if you read my words here, you probably know the deepest me better than my own family). But this difficulty with vulnerability is exactly the thing that complicates my marriage. It’s something I need to work on. One of the places it causes trouble is with my difficulty in reaching out to my…
