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Recommitting (The Separation, Day 24)
Sooooo….on Sunday… Mr. D came home early in the afternoon, since all of his dress clothes were still at the house. We got ready for the company party together and dropped our son off at the grandparents’. I wasn’t sure how the whole evening would go, but the company party is usually a decently small enough gathering not to completely sap my weak and easily drained introvert energy. I know most of the people and the food is always amazing. So, I managed to truly have a good time, and I’m sure not a soul in the place could tell there was trouble in paradise. I also know he’s not…
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Finding my feet (The Separation, Day 11)
A week and a half into our separation, and I’m just now beginning to struggle with finding my feet. It’s easy to fall back on routine and compartmentalizing my emotions, but these habits keep me from facing things and growing. My emotional struggles show themselves through my writing. When I’m unable to write or don’t feel motivation…when it pours from my fingers and won’t let me sleep…when it’s full of lust or sadness. My writing is my litmus test and my cure. And from my measure, right now, I need a week long writing retreat. I can’t do that quite yet, because my life won’t allow it. But winter break…
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The Separation, day 9
Note: These posts are not meant to make anyone uncomfortable. I realize it’s hard to know how to react or respond to someone else’s pain or heartache. I write to heal, to understand, to share, and because stories can help others. There is no need to sympathize or find difficult words. Likewise, don’t feel you cannot or should not comment. I share these posts because they are part of my story. No story is perfect. And, while this is not sexy writing, it is my pathway back to it. So bear with me awhile…please. I appreciate your support. This last Saturday, my son had his final soccer game out of…
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The Separation, Day 1
I realize that not everyone is going to be interested in reading about my rather unfortunate current marital circumstances. But, for my own sake, writing about what is happening in my life allows me to process and make sense of things. It is how I learn. I share it because I know that it just might help someone else going through something similar. I’m going to term these posts “The Separation, Day ___” in order to warn readers away who might rather not read them and pull in those who would. Anyhow…here I am, on my first night of The Separation. He’s gone. It’s quiet. The house is clean. I…
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Separation
I actually have no words…And it’s okay if you don’t either. I don’t expect you to.
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Smile
#SubmissiveAdvent I do a lot of smiling every day, especially at work. It’s always been an easy way to connect with others and set the tone. Wearing a mask has severely gotten in the way. Working with young people, who often rely on body language and facial expressions to make sense of the world around them and determine their level of trust and safety, can be difficult with masks. And I think it is starting to wear on us all. I’m not arguing the health and safety protocol. What I’m saying is that masks have exacerbated the social separation. Nearly two years apart, and now we must keep social distance…
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Meow
I got THE cutest set from adoreme.com this month. And I had planned to work in a photo session before Halloween, because…hello! This is soooo in season, thematically. BUT, things have just not been quite ON recently. Mr. D started working nights at the beginning of September, and I went back to work full time, started my internship, and went back to school. It’s meant more on my plate at home and as a parent, as well. I taxi my son from sport to sport pretty much every week night. I finally put my foot down on Fridays, so I’d have a chance to get drinks with friends. But my…
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Mistakes were made…
I have a poster on my classroom wall that says… Yesterday, a student noticed it, said he liked it, and noted how true it was. I emphatically agreed, extending the conversation a bit with, “if you never fail, it means you aren’t being challenged. If things are always easy, and you always get A’s, that means you aren’t learning anything. And that means I’m not doing my job.” It honestly looked like a light bulb had just gone on above his head. And later, one went off above mine, as I related it to this quote and to my own life–my marriage specifically…and even more specifically, our sex life. Mistakes…
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Trust Issues
It’s hard to admit I have trust issues in my marriage. Even sitting in front of our therapist, his direct question hanging in the air between us… Do you trust him? …I wanted to say, “Yes, of course, I do. He’s my husband. Why wouldn’t I?” But instead I gave a very clumsy, complicated answer, trying hard to be as honest as possible ( one does that when one is paying a fortune to get advice from a nationally acclaimed sex therapist…one cannot afford to waste minutes like little gold coins): I trust him in lots of ways. I trust him with my life…with our finances. But I guess I…
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Vulnerable
I’m not good at being vulnerable, and I think that may have a lot to do with why I have a blog like this. Confessional writing gives me the opportunity to be vulnerable…safely. You can’t see me. Most of you don’t even know me, though you may feel you do (and rightfully so, in many regards, because if you read my words here, you probably know the deepest me better than my own family). But this difficulty with vulnerability is exactly the thing that complicates my marriage. It’s something I need to work on. One of the places it causes trouble is with my difficulty in reaching out to my…
