Anyone who follows Yoga With Adriene will recognize this saying and Benji the blue heeler. Let’s just say I’m a fan of all three…the yoga, the thought, and the dog.
Hence, I had to have the t-shirt.
I’m still not back to work yet, which means, I’m still avoiding bras and real pants. Occasionally, though, I head out for an *adventure* to the post office or the grocery store. Today, it’s the nail salon.
So this is as close to a real bra as I’m getting.
And, of course, yoga pants…and my insulated, waterproof Bogs, because SNOW ❄.
Comfort is the name of the game in my life. And while I realize I sometimes need to venture out of my comfort zone to grow (and to keep my Husband happy), I also know that venturing too far and/or too quickly can do the opposite, causing “the turtle effect,” where I pull in and refuse to come out some while until I feel safe again.
What feels good to me is so varied.
I usually sway toward warm, slow, soft, quiet, smooth…
But sometimes I like it hot, fast, loud, and hard…
The challenge (for both of us) is understanding when I want what.
Mr. D has periodically complained that I want what I want when I want it (which isn’t a very submissive characteristic, and it is further evidence that I was, indeed, a cat in a former life, and am, currently, a rather princess-y only child, who can be quite the selfish, spoiled brat at times).
Recent conversations have basically revealed that He doesn’t even believe I’m actually “A submissive”…only that I choose to be submissive to Him.
Honestly, this perception is correct.
It changes some things here on the blog, I guess. In ways that are quite probably not all that important. I mean, do you really care if we label ourselves correctly or if we play by a particular set of rules or expectations? Does that make our relationship and our journey any less valid or real?
While I’m not sure I can really claim we have a D/s relationship, per se, I do still feel most comfortable in a submissive position with Him. I gain pleasure from His dominance. Not in every capacity and not at all times, though.
I know that causes Him consternation, because it makes it tough to know what to do and how to handle me.
When am I in the mood for it? When am I not? What parts of it are welcome? Which are not?
Being “A Dominant” is hard work. One must read and understand their submissive. One must care for and guide. Simply being dominant, on the other hand, is not work at all. You either are or you aren’t. It’s a characteristic. A way of being.
Similarly, being “A submissive” is a lot of work. One must serve and work to please and fulfill needs before they are even apparent, or at least spoken. Simply being submissive is, like being dominant, not work.
Mr. D is dominant–not work.
I am not naturally submissive in any other capacity than with Mr. D. I must work hard to be “A submissive.” Which means He must work even harder to be “A Dominant.”
And maybe we don’t need to be working that hard to be happy together in this way.
After all, we don’t need to play by anyone else’s rules. We get to define our own relationship parameters.
It’s a journey, to be sure.
We, as Husband and Wife, need to do some work to figure out what this looks like for Us.
Maybe we aren’t D/s in the popular BDSM sense. But we are, in many ways, in the traditional sense. And I’m okay with that.
We are equal inhabitants of this marriage partnership. Like yin and yang…we bring different energies and strengths to the table. Both are necessary. But they probably don’t need to be named to be important or respected.
Breaking free of common or stereotyped labels may be liberating, but it can also be confusing to lose the clear definitions that those labels provide–as guides and expectations for behavior.
It makes it more difficult to know where we stand.
But…it also opens doors that might otherwise have been hidden or closed.
While we may no longer define ourselves as clearly “D/s,” submission and Dominance have their place in our relationship. Figuring out our particular relationship recipe will be a process, and I don’t expect that it will be a stagnant thing.
Today is Satuday, which is “marriage talk day”…so, this’ll be some fodder for conversation, I’m sure.
Finding what feels good for both of us is a main relationship goal for 2022.
Finding what feels good to me is also a goal. Or…not so much finding it, because I’m pretty aware of what feels good to me…but, rather, becoming more aware of it, celebrating it, and getting more of it in my life.
In fact, I liked this concept so much that I altered my morning gratitude journal. I stead of a list of things I’m grateful for and a list of good things that happened (I usually aim for 3 of each), I’m simply going to track all the things that felt good.
For example, here’s today’s list:
1. When He plays with my hair.
2. When He sleeps next to me…wrapped around me or simple touching me in some way.
3. When He cooks a healthy dinner, and we get to enjoy it as a family.
4. When we spend time together as a family (or just the 2 of us) in the evening, hanging out and watching TV.
5. Not wearing a bra, but if I have to, avoiding wires and/or padding.
6. Yoga and/or pajama pants.
7. Doing my hair and make up, even just a little, even on days off when I don’t put on real clothes or leave the house.
8. A hot shower.
9. Sleeping in.
10. Enjoying coffee with a cat on my lap while I slowly wake up.
11. Not being too cold or too hot.
12. The adoring look my dog gives me.
13. Having a “conversation” with my cat.
14. Going to bed on newly clean sheets.
15. Knowing I have another day off before I have to go back to work.
January 1 EJC prompt: What feels good?