Experience

Threesome?

I’m coming back to the quote I shared yesterday…

 

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something. – Neil Gaiman

 

…because it relates directly to a current opportunity.

While I am not intending to make a mistakes, taking risks and trying new things can result in mistakes, and the fear of making mistakes can hold us back from even trying new things.

Learning, pushing myself, sliding outside my comfort zone, doing things I’ve never done before: while these things can lead to growth and connection, they usually make me uncomfortable.

So, as I bristle and freeze at the possibility that has been put before me, I must reflect on why I feel the way I do about it.

Last week, Mr. D and I re-established our boundaries and wishes for our sex life going forward. We determined to slowly bring D/s back into our life and to continue exploring any non-monogamous opportunities.

So….

a single woman contacted us.

I’ll be honest, I feel more comfortable with couples. Mainly because I feel like I “know what to do” more clearly. I have some experience in this realm, and the benefit is that everyone has a role, something to do with their hands, so to speak.

I have never had a threesome.

AND I have more trouble interacting socially with women than with men.

I am more intimidated by women. And women bring out my jealousy more easily, because it is so much more likely that I will compare myself, however subconsciously, to a woman than a man.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it, fantasized about it, or even written some fairly hot erotica about it.

AND, it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to women. But I have far less experience being with them, sexually, than I do with men. In fact, it has been YEARS. So my confidence is rather low in this arena.

Not to mention that I truly have no clue about the logistics of a threesome. (What do I even do?!)

Even though He said, we’ll just play it by ear, because He’s one of those annoying (no offense to any readers who fall in this category) “spontaneous people” who have that capability (of which, I am quite jealous), for me, the not knowing just causes anxiety.

The thing is, I know the opportunity could be good. It could just be a fun experience that Mr. D and I get to share (plus, it’s a chance to fulfill one of His fantasies). It could end there and still be positive. It could also become a friendship, which could be nice. Or develop into something more, which terrifies me a little. Once again, anxiety about the unknown.

This is a common theme for me. And if I give myself too much time to consider things, I will most assuredly back out and take the safer, known route.

Rushing in, though, also presents the possibility that I will regret it.

The decision rests with me.

Because He knows if He pushes it, and it turns out poorly, a seed of resentment could be planted. And I know that if I do it just for Him, that I may also eventually plant that seed myself.

So it’s a balance that I’m seeking. I already know what He wants, so I don’t have to factor that in. I only have to decide, yes or no…no “maybes” because maybes are confusing and non-committal: Am I interested/intrigued? (Yes.); Am I willing to try? (Yes.)

And then I need to discuss my fears/hesitancies with Mr. D.

I also have to take into account that this other person has a stake in this, as well, and we will need to meet, see if there is chemistry, and then negotiate desires and boundaries.

One step at a time.

I saw an image on FB yesterday that sort of relates:

It’s from a great little website called The New Happy. And I think it applies here.

I have a tendency to spend too much time in the upper left-hand quadrant. I’m decent at setting goals, as well. But when it comes to breaking things into steps and taking one step at a time? Well, I’m really good at doing this at work (it’s kinda my jam there), but I’m terrible at doing this in my personal life.

So, in this case…the dream would be a functioning non-monogamous practice. One goal would be a threesome with a beautiful woman to whom we are both attracted. The first steps would be to respond the current inquiry, strike up a virtual conversation to see if interest persists, set up a meeting to guage chemistry, negotiate parameters, and then act on it…and see where it goes from there, continually reestablishing parameters to meet the needs of all participants

This may sound very clinical, but to ensure that things are handled respectfully and carefully, it’s important to take it one step at a time.

Besides, it could crumble at any place in the process.

So far, all of the opportunities we have pursued during these pandemic years have been unsuccessful for one reason or another. And that is just the way it is.

Dating is hard enough with two people. Finding common, happy ground AND shared chemistry for three or four is “unicorn” territory.

So, rather than count my chickens and get all anxious about what color they will be, I need to take this one step at a time, reflecting and communicating my feelings and needs along the way.

But not to the point of overthinking myself into paralysis.

Which means…I’m stopping here.

 

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6 Comments

    • Brigit Delaney

      Thanks. I do, too. There are so many factors, and it’s so much more complicated than it ever was…for various reasons. It doesn’t mean adventures like this aren’t possible. It just means they must be handled carefully, for the benefit of everyone involved.

  • Missy

    I can relate a lot to your throught process and I think that when you feel unsure about something then it is good to think it over and break it down into steps as you have just done. You have looked at it in a logical way but I can see the need to try to balance not rushing blindly in with talking yourself out of it because of your anxieties. It is a hard one to work. Missy x

  • Marie Rebelle

    I am with Feve on this, I think your approach is wise. Where I do have experience with women, I still fall in the category of not knowing what to do. I will never approach another woman, and when someone approaches me, I don’t know what to do. I much rather just want things to happen spontaneously, that’s what works for me the best. And I know this poses it’s own kinds of difficulties and anxiety. Bottom line is to approach this the way which feels comfortable for you…
    ~ Marie xox

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