We’re struggling over here, my friends. And the issue is an old one…one that rears its head yearly, and yearly makes things more and more difficult.
I won’t belabor it. Too many of you have been around long enough to know the trouble we’ve seen. For those who are new, a very simplistic summary.
1. We have differing sex drives. I suspect an early hysterectomy affecting hormones, along with mental health issues, stress, exhaustion…and now perimenopause.
2. We also have differing sexual needs. I prefer monogamy, he leans toward polyamory…or at least swinging or other options that allow access to experiences with others.
3. We both need intimacy, but I lean toward romance, and he leans toward sex.
4. D/s has become contentious ground.
5. My desire cycle, which seems driven by my work year, leaves him high and dry, sexually for several months in the fall. And this spurs depression.
6. My sexual inconsistency is driving him crazy. His need for adventure wears me out. I don’t feel like I can live up to his expectations. He doesn’t feel like I try to fulfill his needs.
I know he believes I am selfish. He’s said so before, and I suppose at times I can be. I’ll own that. I’ll even own my inconsistency. Though I don’t have full control over my level of desire, I should prioritize his needs in other ways. I can see why he has trouble trusting, and I can see why he is avoiding sex right now, because he is protecting himself.
And here we are.
Basically, he has lost trust in my ability to address the issue. He is hurt. He is terribly sad.
I’m frustrated, with myself and the situation. I feel guilty.
He says I’ve finally broken him.
And neither of us knows how to fix it, though neither of us want to stop trying.
Neither of us wants to be sorry for who we are. Neither of us knows how to change.
And the pitiful irony? I’m horny as fuck right now and have been for weeks. I’m finally ready…my cycle has turned the bend. But I’m too late, because now he’s in the depths.
It isn’t fair to ask him to wait for my cycles. And I do this every year. Up and down with the seasons.
He feels abandoned, even though he knows I don’t do it on purpose. He says he doesn’t blame me. And I don’t blame him.
But neither of us knows what to do next. So he went to sleep, and I did homework and avoided writing.
And now I’m drinking wine and taking photos for the blog…but my heart isn’t in it. This blog is so much about us, that when we’re off, I don’t much feel like writing. It’s hard to feel motivated to create anything sexy when sexy isn’t happening in my life.
Sorry for the downer post, but I promised real. I promised vulnerable.
Sometimes this is what you get.