In each of us there is darkness and light. We are multidimensional, with “good” and not-so-good qualities. We have “quirks” and cracks, all based on what society deems acceptable.
Alone, we just are. But when put with others, we are mirrors. And we are easily given to comparison, continually measuring normality, fighting or living up to expectation, and dealing with the emotional price of doing so.
Not all of us question so much or spend as long in introspection, but those of us who do…we over-thinkers…can spend more time in our heads than in the world. The irony is, the world is in my head, determining my thoughts too much of the time.
What should my relationship look like?
What should I be doing?
What should I look like?
What should my home look like?
Where should I live, work, relax?
What should I be doing with my time?
How should I love?
“Should” is a prison that I am continually running from. What I think I should do, versus what my husband thinks I should do, versus what my parents or boss think I should do…etc. are all different. Trying to decide which “should” is most valid is exhausting.
It’s easy to say “ignore what you should do and do what you want,” but that is simplistic and unrealistic. We all have responsibilities. Things that will make us better people…because others rely on us to be just that.
“Should” also assumes lack. What I “should” do is not what I “am.” And what I am not changing I am choosing.
With that logic, I am choosing to let my relationship falter (though I am not in it alone and do not have complete control over the direction it goes). I am choosing to focus on my health. I am choosing to change the way I work. I am choosing to stay hopeful in the face of doubt.
I let him hold the darkness for me. I always have. I trust him to do that. And I walk into it on occasion. He needs that darkness, the inky unknown, the mystery and adventure, the part of the world society judges.
I dabble in darkness (this blog, submission, swinging), but he lives there. I think that is why we struggle so much.
However, light and dark both must be for the other to exist. When they merge for the brief times that they can, we have twilight. The night makes love to the morning, setting fire to the sky. And the sun falls into the arms of night in explosions of color.
It is possible to find a way to coexist in this way. In fact, it is natural. We cannot be the same. I cannot be what he thinks I should be. He cannot be what I think he should be. But we can still set fire to one another coming and going. We can still have the sunrise and sunset. If we allow each other to simply be who we are.
That may take a lot from both of us, because we both have different needs that are equally important.
I think this is where we go wrong…wanting the other to be what we are. It’s like the moon yelling at the sun to be a ball of fire rather than a rock. Or the moon asking the sun to cool down.
Choose to read this as you will. Metaphors are interesting chameleons that take on the colors of their surroundings. My chameleon’s colors are ever-changing watercolors, mixing into one another and always blending.
Maybe what I really need to do is replace the word “should” with “will” or “will not,” as that is more decisive and promises action or inaction rather than judgement.
Enough philosophizing for tonight.
I have masturbated every day for 15 days straight. That is the most I have done in 1 month this entire year. 😳 My libido is high right now, which is its normal cycle.
I keep track of my/our sex life fairly religiously to determine if I am initiating enough, if we are mixing it up enough position-wise, when the ups and downs are occurring. Here is a glance:
I started doing this for all the wrong reasons. Though I am a natural data-geek, I began using the app to prove we were having more sex than he thought we were, since he was always complaining it wasn’t enough. I tracked to prove I was initiating more than he said I was. I tracked to prove we had more variety than he said we did.
I tracked to defend myself.
But the facts don’t mean much when the feelings about them misalign. If he doesn’t feel it is enough, it isn’t enough for him. If he doesn’t feel I initiate enough…it’s less about initiating and more about the way I do it…what I’m doing isn’t making a positive emotional impact.
No amount of data is going to change that.
So…this app has to go. It is counterproductive. Instead, I need to focus on method. Quality over quantity.
Hard to do if we aren’t having sex…but food for thought, I suppose.
And…with that, I’ve saved the unwrapping for the end. A purple follow to yesterday’s blue.
I wonder what color tomorrow will bring.
You’d never know about my secret life with this super mom get-up:
This final one is especially for him…as he lives my big behind…