Experience

Keeping the candle lit

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t feel well. I woke too early, my eyes were puffy in response to something I’d eaten, I’m guessing. Or maybe I cried in my sleep. And I simply had no energy or motivation.

I was low, too. So I spent the day sleeping and hidden in my book, where I could stop thinking and just be.

In our conversation Saturday morning, he made many valid points, but there was no solution. I was basically left with: I suck, and there’s nothing that can be done.

He feels sex is a bad idea, in this climate, and noted regret for the last time, when, I am gathering, he gave into his baser needs against better judgment. I obviously saw the moment differently. But, then, he says I always make sex about me, and since I’m the only one who got off that night, it’s simply continued proof that I am a selfish lover.

So, I’m not sure where things are headed right now. Nowhere, I guess. We’re just stalled in the middle of the lane.

Without sex to stoke the fire of my returned libido, it will eventually disappear. If I ignore it long enough, it won’t matter to me anymore. But then, like a cancer, the lack will eat us up from the inside and kill what we DO have that is beautiful.

I can’t imagine that being his goal. So I’m not sure what he thinks should happen next. After several hours talking on Saturday (mainly listening on my part), I have a clear sense of his hurt over my inconsistent libido. But I have no sense of his expectation going forward.

I can do nothing about the past. I can make few promises about the future.

So, I suppose I just wait for him to tell me what to do. And pray that my libido is still here when he does.

I’m putting a pin in my #loveletter project. I’m not feeling it right now. I have no words in that direction, because nothing I say will matter.

But I will keep up with #UnwrapMe. I had intended this project to be for his benefit, but it seems that it is only for me. And you.

It also seems useless and rather insincere to keep up with The Submissive Advent, but since most of the topics can be turned various directions, I can still use them as prompts. We haven’t been D/s for some time, and he expressed his disappointment with that Saturday, as well. I had been hoping to correct that, but as with the sex, he obviously, and understandably, does not trust that I will keep up my side of the bargain.

So…no sex, no submission.

We’re still affectionate. We hug. We kiss goodbye and hello. On the rare weekend occasions we get to sleep in the same bed at the same time, he puts his arm around me, and I snuggle I to him when we are on the couch.

Just enough intimacy to keep the candle lit.

He’s in a place right now where that is all he can or is willing to give. And I’m in a place where I have no option but to accept that.

 

3 Comments

    • Brigit Delaney

      I hate to be the downer…but I’ve always been honest in my writing, and maybe someone will find comfort in connecting with my own less than perfect journey. So much of what we see in “sex blog land” is impossible to live up to and can make us feel somehow inferior. My hope is to show that normal people struggle. All of us. And we muddle through. And this is my thought process as I do that.

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