Experience

Fear

Today’s topic for The Submissive Advent Calendar is fear…specifically in relation to submission.

But let me expand it to my sex life. The longer we go without, the more afraid I become. Not so much that he will leave or find someone else (he has promised that he isn’t going anywhere and that he will remain faithful)…but that I will lose him, anyway. That we will simply slip into existence. That intimacy will disappear. That our connection will dry up and leave us with no way back. That I won’t be able to find him again.

I’m afraid that my libido will finally dip so low it will recede into nothingness, never to be found again.

I’m afraid of losing that part of myself…of us.

While it would be sad to me to lose sexual desire, it would be catastrophic for our relationship, since desire is how he feels loved (hence our current situation) and sex is how he feels intimate connection. Without desire, he feels unwanted, lonely, and cut off. Without sex, he feels disconnected. Without either for long enough (a few weeks is all it takes), he falls into a pit of depressive despair.

That’s where he is now. He’s angry and hurt and I don’t know how to reach him, since he’s given me mixed messages (I want someone to fight for me…but don’t try to have sex with me.)

So I continue on loving him. Kissing him goodnight, holding his hand on the couch.

And I keep masturbating, fearfully hopeful, not letting my own desire dry up like it could. Keeping that candle lit, just in case. I’ve managed every day this month so far, and am already at a monthly record for the year…and a monthly low for sex: once (which he apparently regrets, since it he thinks it gave me the impression that we were on the mend).

I bought new lingerie, that only you and I will see in person (at least for now). And we received another fantasy box with toys and fun  that, like 6 or 7 other boxes we’ve gotten, will remain stacked in the closet.

I wish someone could give me direction. Tell me exactly how to fix this, and then coach me through it for the rest of my life.

Years ago, when were in a similar predicament, I came up with a story series (that I never finished) called The Wife Coach that took this idea and built it into something.

Truly, there are few things harder on a marriage/relationship than disparate levels of sexual desire.

Even with a sex therapist, that can’t always be fixed. Sure you can find ways to act out your intimate needs in other ways, but when your partner truly needs to feel sexually desired there is no way around it…there is no alternative to true sexual desire that doesn’t flame out…come and go without warning…or simply wane at a low enough level as to appear nonexistent.

What it comes down to is: we cannot make ourselves feel something we do not. And that, my friends, is my greatest fear. What if my libido dries up, altogether? Where will that leave us? So far, it hasn’t. So far, it’s just ebbed and flowed. But during these down times, I can see the damage a dried up libido can and will do.

Maybe I’m catastrophizing (is that a word?). Maybe I just need to find more ways to connect intimately. Maybe I just need to be better at prioritizing him. Maybe I just need to be a better wife.

 

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