The Submissive’s Advent Calendar

I’ve been out of the blogging habit, but true to my cycle, it is nearly December, and the itch to write is building again. Things have settled at work, routines have been created, and I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the 2021 tunnel. I’ve even gotten Flash Fiction Friday back up and running, and I’ve submitted a Christmas-themed story to Tantalizing Tales. I even made the November cut-off with a piece of supernatural erotica.

I’m working on my new theme for the year: Do less, better. In response, I’ve simplified my blog, pared down my projects. What you see is what you get. The only meme I’ll be focusing on this coming year is Flash Fiction Friday. It’s short and doable, so it’s an easy one to manage and get involved with. Mark your calendars. The meme will run from Friday to Thursday at 11:59 pm PST every week. I’ll continue to publish erotic fiction on Medium (weekly), and I plan to step up my efforts on my podcast: Brigit’s Erotic Bedtime Stories. I’ve got lots of stories that I can draw from, so really this is about finding the time to record when others aren’t around to interrupt or overhear. But, my hope is to do this weekly, as well.

That’s it for projects in 2022.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not up for periodic challenges, and I WILL continue to support the memes of those writers who continually support mine. That’s simply good blogger manners…and an excellent way to keep up connections and support fellow erotic content creators. But, I’ll be honest, I’ve really cut down on who I follow and interact with. The great sex-blogging disaster of 2019 simply put a sour taste in my mouth for a lot of writers, and I’ve cut ties with many. My twitter and instagram accounts are evidence of that shift. I could probably be more active on social media, but I tend to stay away from it because of the head games and judgement that run rampant there. Every time I visit my accounts, I pare down my reading list more and more. People can keep their drama. I have enough of my own.

The biggest “project” for me right now (and it relates 100% to this blog) is fixing the present state of my marriage.

This “cycle” of creative energy that I follow is connected deeply to what fuels my sexual energy (I’ve written about this dozens of times before, as I’m not sure which comes first)…and that drives my Husband mad. Worse, actually. It triggers lengthy bouts of depression.

When I’m on, I’m on, as you know, if you’ve been a reader for any length of time. But when I’m off…well, I’m a reclusive, lazy, and sometimes rather angry hibernating bear. The beginning of the school year is always like this for me. And this year was compounded by the change in position at work, frustrating homework obligations of my own, and new routines now that our teenager is in high school (read; constant taxi services for numerous sportsing practices and games). My work week is full. And trying to re-claim my time has been difficult.

Being the sometimes terrible wife I can be, often the first thing to suffer when I’m stressed and overburdened is my relationship. Though I theoretically realize that I should prioritize personal connections (most especially my marriage), I’m not really so good at it. I, too often, take my marriage for granted, especially in times of great stress and change. The exact opposite of what I should do.

It’s been even tougher this year, because His schedule has also changed drastically. When I went back to school, He moved to night shift. It means we don’t even sleep together 5 days a week, and we only see each other in passing in the driveway on work days.

We’ve struggled greatly with finding our feet amidst all this change. And, as a result, He’s sunk pretty deeply.

It isn’t the end of the world. Of course, we always have our love as a foundation. And we have always managed to find our way home. We will do it again. But, I know that it wears on Him to know that this cycle is so engrained. The pattern itself, knowing it is coming, is depressing. Whereas I simply expect it, and know that it will pass, he expects it with growing dread.

It has a lot to do with our differing emotional needs and our differing levels of sexual desire. We both crave intimacy, but what that looks like is different for us both.

He has often said that He suspects that He needs me more than I need Him. I don’t believe that is true, but I do agree that I need Him in a different way.

Our relationship has been floating like a quiet ghost in the room, slowly brightening and becoming more insistent. And I think one of the clear losses has been our D/s dynamic. The underlying dominance and submission are not gone. I don’t think that will every go away. He simply IS dominant. And I simply AM submissive. Natures don’t change. But they do shift from front to back, and certain things can bring our nature to the surface, nurture it or starve it. We have not been nurturing our D/s natures.

When our D/s is on, we are at our best. When it is off, we wander aimlessly in the same room. I guess what it does is provide structure and context. Our connection becomes tighter and more focused.

So…this year, I’m going to follow the Submissive’s Advent Calendar again. Of course, since I’ve already been through it once, I’ll change up how I respond. After all, we change with time, and my thoughts about some of these prompts have likely evolved. I may reflect in various forms, as well – photography, poetry, fiction, personal narrative, etc. After all, this blog is a blend of all this.

If you want to join in, please do. Link your own posts in the comments to my daily posts so I can see how you have navigated the day’s topic/challenge. The e-book is inexpensive ($5.95) and can be re-used from year to year. I’ve enjoyed Luna Carruthers’ work, so I think it is well worth the cost, whether you are new to D/s or have been practicing for years.

I don’t think Mr. D has been reading my site lately. He’s pretty disengaged and detached. So, it may be a challenge to bring Him back. However…I’ve always been one to start from the inside and work my way out. There are certainly benefits to His reading my blog. This is a way into my brain, for one. I don’t talk about my emotions in life much, but here, I’m more open. Oddly, I guess I find it comforting and freeing to shout into the void, knowing I am, for the most part, anonymous. My trials and tribulations do not directly affect your life. While we can learn from one another, we are less likely to hurt each other. So, I can say what I want, how I want, when I want (for the most part).

Mr. D and I have only had sex twice this month. Even with 4 days off together for the holiday. And, as is usually unheard of, he rejected my advances this weekend. So…I have my work cut out for me, I know. And I’m not terribly sure how even to begin.

So, I will start with myself. Ground zero. Within. My submission is still in there and it strengthens when it is given.

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