I suppose I could just as easily title this post “Hibernating.” But, how odd that I would do that in the summer, when everything is alive and awash with color.
Maybe “Floating” works better.
Regardless of the title, that’s still where I’m at right now. I’m not stressed, or depressed, or overwhelmed. I’m in the aftershock of busy.
Let me give you a literal taste of the sensation:
Connect your hands behind your back, pressing your palms together…and squeeze. Hold it for at least a minute, and then release.
Feel that rush of energy in your hands and up your arms? And when it’s gone…that blessed lull that makes your arms feel sort of weightless? A foreign feeling.
I guess most people would feel happy to be there, but it takes me weeks to understand my place when I’m not working. My work is what moves me. That constant buzz.
Sometimes my writing can do it, too, when I’m onto a new project or idea.
And events or vacations.
I do not do well in the lull. But the lull is necessary for us all.
And I am learning, here, to be more mindful. To breathe and enjoy relaxing…to breathe, and prioritize at work, without stressing out. Working part time for a few weeks is turning out to be the soft way to step into time off. It’s giving me time to learn how to work better and how to relax better.
Because honestly, I need to improve in both areas.
I need to dive, swim, and float with equal ease.
I have a tendency to walk away from the blog when it begins to feel like work. Just another responsibility.
Writing is supposed to be a pleasure…a reaching out…a way to connect. So when it begins to feel like a weight tied around my ankle, pulling me down, I cut loose.
Sometimes, at these moments, I consider walking away from the blog or I just don’t think about writing at all. Usually, I gravitate toward reading or other activities that require less of me. And eventually, I begin to find my way back. I’m always just a little changed, though. And my relationship to the blog is also changed. Decisions follow.
I believe those decisions are bubbling below my surface. Namely, in relation to my blogging “obligations.”
I don’t want this blog to own me. I want it to free me. Because of this, I’m on the fence about the Erotic Journal Challenge (again). I thought I had a handle on what readers wanted and needed it to be, but it just isn’t working for any of us. I think we’re all over-memed, and the memes that have been around the longest or are the easiest to write to are still getting play, while those that are newer or more complex are being left on the bench, the EJC included. And honestly, I’m tired of reinventing it and trying to make it work when I just want to write what I want to write. Some Erotic Journal Challenges have been more popular than others. So maybe I’ll do theme months…like 30 Dirty Questions.
Right now, I’m not sure. I’m on sabbatical with this until an idea strikes.
Flash Fiction Friday, however, looks like it has a bit of possibility, and it doesn’t ask as much of me.
So, going forward. Flash Fiction Friday will be my focus writing meme. We’ll see if this one sticks.
I’m cutting my projects and just focusing on a daily writing practice. It’s back to basics this July. A calmer theme, with calmer colors, and simpler objectives.
I also won’t be doing as many memes from others. As much as I love to support other bloggers, even with blending memes, I am beginning to feel like my blog is just one meme after another and had lost its narrative line.
This is my story, first and foremost.
My libido been hibernating, as well. It’s not gone. Much like everything else it’s just submerged, pulsing right beneath the surface, coming up in waves but rarely cresting the surface.
Unlike past years, though, things are good for us right now. June has historically been a low month for us, because of my hefty downshift in activity, but how we have dealt with that has often not been very positive. We’ve let it cause us to drift away from each other, rather than simply ride the wave together.
We’ve managed, through better communication and learned skills, to avoid this well-visited pitfall.
And, I feel rather blessed to be right where I am.
This is a place of softness. A place to shed what hasn’t worked in preference of things that will.
So, welcome, July. I think I’m ready for you.
And I think I’m ready to come back to the surface.