So I hate punishment.
I’ve written about it before…the fact that I hate it, juxtaposed against the fact that I feel it can be necessary, anyway, in a D/s dynamic…and how my theoretical understanding of it never seems to match up to reality when I’m faced with it out of the blue.
Here are a few earlier posts about it, because I don’t really feel a need to rehash things, since my feelings and opinions regarding punishment haven’t changed any:
So, why write about it again?
Because I freaked out about it again. And now I’ve gone and upset the balance of our dynamic.
Here’s the story:
Last night, He made chicken salad in the insta-pot. He told me He planned to used the left over seasoned broth for soup later in the week. During my clean up efforts (which tend to happen on auto-pilot), I dumped the broth down the sink and set the pot to soaking.
He watched me do it and promised a spanking with the spoon later in the evening.
I hate punishment, as I said. And I hate the spoon the most.
I didn’t do what I did on purpose, and I immediately became indignant about the punishment for it, feeling it was undeserved.
So when it came time for it, I had built myself up to a full-on fury about it.
But He held His ground and, when the teenager when to bed, He told me to choose between the spoon and the crop (I begrudgingly chose the crop, of course, because I hate the spoon), however, I was super bratty about the whole ordeal. I felt like I was being treated like a child, I was pissed off, and I’m sure my open-book face made no bones about that.
Regardless, I pulled down my shorts, leaned over the bed, and braced myself for the impact.
He only spanked me once, without much force, threw the spoon back on the bed, and called it quits.
He was angry at me for not upholding my side of the D/s bargain. For putting Him in a place of being the bad guy in a situation we’d already, technically, agreed upon.
But the thing is…I didn’t say no. Yes, I was majorly bitchy about it…but I still never said no. I never pulled a safe word out of my hat. I just pouted and angrily stomped my way through the (lack of) punishment.
My reaction, however, didn’t work for Him. He didn’t feel comfortable punishing me in this state. And His folding led to an emotional reaction on His part of what I can only say was a mix of frustration, hurt, and anger.
And now I feel like a disappointment.
So, why do I react that way?!! I mean yes, I hate punishment, but, usually, I just brace myself for it. I know when I deserve it, and I suck it up like a “good girl.”
Sometimes, though, like last night, it hits me the wrong way, and I resist. Maybe not with words, but with my countenance.
Not everyone agrees with punishment. And I don’t think it’s a necessary facet of D/s. The thing is, it does seem like there should be some sort of consequence when a submissive does not live up to expectations, right? Disappointment doesn’t seem like enough, does it?
I think it can be, though, for some some of us. For example, right now, I know He is disappointed in me, and it feels terrible. Worse than the spoon.
Punishment, when I’m resistant to it, breaks something in me. And while that may be the aim for some Doms, I don’t think it’s my Husband’s aim, which is why He walked away from it last night. He knows He can’t win in that position…that it feels more like abuse than D/s when I’m not on board, even if I don’t verbally opt out. And then He feels like a failure as a Dominant…and I know I’ve topped from the bottom, upsetting the balance. Wordlessly, the power dynamic has shifted.
And now that I’ve disappointed Him, I feel like offering Him the spoon myself and begging Him for the punishment I didn’t get last night.