Experience,  Opinion,  Photography

The Spoon (a tale of forgone punishment)

So I hate punishment.

I’ve written about it before…the fact that I hate it, juxtaposed against the fact that I feel it can be necessary, anyway, in a D/s dynamic…and how my theoretical understanding of it never seems to match up to reality when I’m faced with it out of the blue.

Here are a few earlier posts about it, because I don’t really feel a need to rehash things, since my feelings and opinions regarding punishment haven’t changed any:

Discipline, Punishment, and Correction in a D/s Relationship

24/7 D/s (Weaknesses & First Punishment)

Punishment’s Emerging Role in our Relationship

So, why write about it again?

Because I freaked out about it again. And now I’ve gone and upset the balance of our dynamic.

Here’s the story:

Last night, He made chicken salad in the insta-pot. He told me He planned to used the left over seasoned broth for soup later in the week. During my clean up efforts (which tend to happen on auto-pilot), I dumped the broth down the sink and set the pot to soaking.

He watched me do it and promised a spanking with the spoon later in the evening.

I hate punishment, as I said. And I hate the spoon the most.

I didn’t do what I did on purpose, and I immediately became indignant about the punishment for it, feeling it was undeserved.

So when it came time for it, I had built myself up to a full-on fury about it.

But He held His ground and, when the teenager when to bed, He told me to choose between the spoon and the crop (I begrudgingly chose the crop, of course, because I hate the spoon), however, I was super bratty about the whole ordeal. I felt like I was being treated like a child, I was pissed off, and I’m sure my open-book face made no bones about that.

Regardless, I pulled down my shorts, leaned over the bed, and braced myself for the impact.

He only spanked me once, without much force, threw the spoon back on the bed, and called it quits.

He was angry at me for not upholding my side of the D/s bargain. For putting Him in a place of being the bad guy in a situation we’d already, technically, agreed upon.

But the thing is…I didn’t say no. Yes, I was majorly bitchy about it…but I still never said no. I never pulled a safe word out of my hat. I just pouted and angrily stomped my way through the (lack of) punishment.

My reaction, however, didn’t work for Him. He didn’t feel comfortable punishing me in this state. And His folding led to an emotional reaction on His part of what I can only say was a mix of frustration, hurt, and anger.

And now I feel like a disappointment.

So, why do I react that way?!! I mean yes, I hate punishment, but, usually, I just brace myself for it. I know when I deserve it, and I suck it up like a “good girl.”

Sometimes, though, like last night, it hits me the wrong way, and I resist. Maybe not with words, but with my countenance.

Not everyone agrees with punishment. And I don’t think it’s a necessary facet of D/s. The thing is, it does seem like there should be some sort of consequence when a submissive does not live up to expectations, right? Disappointment doesn’t seem like enough, does it?

I think it can be, though, for some some of us. For example, right now, I know He is disappointed in me, and it feels terrible. Worse than the spoon.

Punishment, when I’m resistant to it, breaks something in me. And while that may be the aim for some Doms, I don’t think it’s my Husband’s aim, which is why He walked away from it last night. He knows He can’t win in that position…that it feels more like abuse than D/s when I’m not on board, even if I don’t verbally opt out. And then He feels like a failure as a Dominant…and I know I’ve topped from the bottom, upsetting the balance. Wordlessly, the power dynamic has shifted.

And now that I’ve disappointed Him, I feel like offering Him the spoon myself and begging Him for the punishment I didn’t get last night.


  • Molly

    Been here a few times actually. My only words of warning is that I found gradually my dislike for punishment like this turned to resentment. it didn’t make me feel submissive or made me feel like a kid being punished for something stupid. For example leaving my hair brush on the bed. I mean come on, I am an adult. I make the fucking bed every day, if I leave my hair brush there after I brush my hair. And I think the same about what you did. It was a mistake, and it is broth. I guess it is about perspective.

    I hope you find your way with it all. It is a very complex set of emotions


    • Brigit Delaney

      Yes…it is super tricky, and very complex. I definitely can see where resentment could worm its way in. And we will have to really talk long and hard about punishment’s place in our dynamic. As I noted, I don’t think I need punishment to feel bad about disappointing Him, when it comes to agreed upon rules. I think the purpose of the punishment is in question. If there is a purpose…a goal, it seems that it may be useful. But if it is for no purpose other than to put me in my place, then it won’t work. At least not for a strong-willed, independent sub like me.

  • Lisa Stone

    Still, the punishment was deserved. He warned you that he would use the broth to cook the dish, and you poured it out. Even if not intentionally. But still, you were inattentive to his words. And thus she earned her punishment.

  • Marie Rebelle

    I never liked punishments either, but what I liked even less, was when I knew I had to be punished, and I wasn’t… it’s strange how our minds and emotions work. Love the images 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

  • Bee

    I understand this. I hate and resent punishment, especially when it boils down to busy people trying to get things done efficiently.

    We got round it by not punishing genuine mistakes but punishing deliberate behaviour.

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