Big deep breath in…
This post may go everywhere, and I’m going to let it.
Awhile back, I considered writing a post called, “What my cats have taught me about polyamory.” The idea was that, I have two cats, whom I love dearly…but they hate each other. I am constantly telling them (yes, I talk to them) that I love them both equally, and I can’t understand why they won’t see that. But, their jealousy remains, green between us. The funny thing is, one will burrow under a blanket and snuggle up next to me, while the other sits on my lap. They both know the other is there, and they choose to look the other way. Hmm… The irony is not lost on me, rest assured. My inability to share…my own issues with jealousy. I ask my cats to do something I haven’t even been able to do, and yet, mentally, I can see how it would benefit us all. However…it wouldn’t impact my life the way a true polyamorous relationship would. That is much more complex. Isn’t it?
The night before last, I had a dream. I’ll cut most of the superfluous (weird) details and cut the to crux. I was in contact with an ex-boyfriend who was in town…he asked to see me. My Husband had just left to go camping with friends for the week. So, I invited this ex-boyfriend over for dinner. Husband knew and was cool with it. Ex-boyfriend showed, we talked, we drank, he made a move on me. And I froze. The whole, I want to…but I’m married…if I asked permission, Husband might say yes…but would I, if He were in the same situation? No…and is that fair? The emotional turmoil woke me up.
Of course, I’m sure it’s a subconscious reaction to what’s going on right now (wait for it…). And it proves to me that I have the proclivity for desiring more than one person at a time and wanting relationships with more than one person at a time (no matter the complications that causes for me mentally and emotionally, and the fact that I really don’t like having my solitary time trampled upon by….people…even people I like). It’s sort of like a fantasy. Some fantasies are meant to become reality, while others happily are not. I’m just not sure where this one belongs for me yet.
Maybe I’m overthinking it.
Yesterday, Husband contacted a single female on Grinder. He’s been on the hunt for someone to engage in a threesome with us (upon my acceptance). I did say I was more comfortable starting with a male, which is why He was on Grinder, but somehow, He found this woman, and began a conversation. And so…we are chatting. Understandably, gearing up for a potential threesome is not the same as engaging in polyamory. But, I know my Husband, and I know the emotional need He has for personal connection above and beyond the physical. So there is potential for something beyond a one-time engagement, and I’m wrapping my brain around that.
I’ve stayed out of the chat until today. But, I jumped in, partially because I’ve promised to follow Him and trust Him, but also because I don’t want it to appear that He’s in this on His own. She needs to know I really do exist (aside from the photos of me that He’s sent).
There are hitches and catches occurring inside of me right now. Because we’ve tried this before and it’s gone horribly wrong. And yes…I realize, this is something we both promised we would not let get in the way (per our recent sex therapy). So I am breathing through these fears and stopping to examine them and see them for what they are. Fear of the unknown. Fear of new. Fear of change. Fear of possibility.
This is one of those “toe in the water” moments.
I’ve begun to ask questions in the chat…those Aron Arthur questions are my go-to’s when getting to know someone new. Last night, He offered up the first one in my stead:
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Funnily enough, it’s this week’s #tellmesomethingtrue prompt.
Mr. D gave His answers first. “Nikolai Tesla, father of modern electricity. Hiram Maxim, an American inventor who died in England. His sport was to go to bars and beat the shit out of who he thought was a bully. He also invented the first commercially viable machine gun. Mohammed, Siddhartha Gautama, or Jesus.”
She gave hers… (I’ll be careful what I share, as it is without her consent).
And I finally gave mine today. “Anais Nin, Henry Miller, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, and Winston Churchill. I think that would make for some really interesting conversation.” Plus having all those alpha-ish males in a room, would impact the energy in an electric way. That’s a lot of big brains with big opinions.
Anyhow, yeah. That’s where we are. A precipice.
This week’s Erotic Journal Challenge prompt is about sexual change:
What change(s) would you like to make in your sexual behavior, attitude, or thoughts/feelings?
For me, one of the major changes I’d like to make is to be more open…more relaxed about trying new things. To stop thinking about stuff so much and just enjoy the way it makes me feel in the moment. To let the fuck go and stop being so uptight about stuff. This is one of those moments…this is my opportunity to practice making the change I want to see in myself.
And so that is what I am going to do.