One of my major goals this year is being more vulnerable. Not in the sense of being weak, but in the sense of being open. Letting go, following His direction better with full trust, and trying new things.
And I feel like I’m doing a decent job at this. Not only have I had to be much more vulnerable at work, given our move toward social/emotional support, I’ve been going back to school myself, to prepare for a rather big shift in my career.
Last week, I also decided to apply for a new position that would make it difficult to turn back.
It’s once of those “two roads diverged in a yellow wood” moments. I’ve had a lot of those this year. And choosing one path usually, as we know, means that we’ll never go back to try the other. We set ourselves on a trajectory toward something new.
It’s actually a positive thing, but I’ve never dealt with change well. Especially changes that make me fee unstable or put me in a position where I don’t know where I’m going next.
As a planner and organizer, I like knowing what’s going to happen next. But, this year, in our marriage, my career, hell…in life, really, I’ve not known where I’m headed completely. It’s all been up in the air.
And while I’ve been able to get by with sticking my toes in the water, moving in inch by inch as I’m comfortable, this possible new work position will mean a jump off a cliff into the deep end.
So, I’ve been a little preoccupied mentally this past week or so. Plus, my estrogen seems to have settled into my system, and I’m actually cycling again. No periods, of course, what with the hysterectomy (and I don’t miss ’em), but the breast soreness and the lack of libido lasted a week. That, combined with the preoccupation at work, sapped my creative energy.
I guess that sounds like a long excuse. But, in reality, I think I’ve just gotten better at taking care of myself. I know my limits. I know when I get stressed that it’s better to step back from some things to focus on others.
Plus, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Summer break is right around the corner, and I’ll have time to rest and recharge and regroup. I’ll also have more time for writing and reading.
I also have noticed that my “give a shit” meter has become less sensitive. For example, today, Mr. D had a meet up with someone while I was at work. It was decided beforehand, so I was fully aware, and it was partially in an effort to preview the situation before bringing this person in for a threesome. It’s a good thing He did it, too, because apparently, this person really wasn’t a good fit for us.
I’m really appreciative of His dedication to my safety and pleasure. Many of our past experiences have not been great, which leads to me not wanting to persue non-monogamous activities. To ensure my happiness also increases the likelihood of success, so it’s just as much about Him as it is about me when He puts in the work to make sure it will be a pleasurable experience for all involved.
As He recounted their interactions, I didn’t find myself reacting as I did years ago in a similar situation. I wasn’t put off by it or nervous. In fact, I was really just curious about what they got up to and how. While it wasn’t an optimal experience for Him, it was an experiment, and I feel my easy acceptance of it is evidence of personal growth, as well as relationship growth.
This is how we overcome inhibitions. For some, it is easy, and for others of us, it is a slow process of releasing our death grip on the known…the safe…on a life we think we can control.
If I’ve learned anything from this Covid era, it is that I have very little control over what happens outside of my own reactions to things. And therefore, I’ve focused on that: my reactions. And I’ve put in a lot of effort to temper those.
It feels weird to say that I am willing to do what He says, and to truly believe that in my heart. If He brought someone home and told me to serve him…to suck His cock…to bend over and let him fuck me, I coud do it, because He told me to. I could let go of my own resistence because I can relax into His control of my actions. All I have to control is my reactions. That’s a lot less stressful.
That’s not to say that I don’t have anxiety surrounding the possibilities ahead. I do. But I also know that Mr. D has my back.