Continuing on the heels of yesterday’s post, our three-way chat conversation continued, and I think we all navigated it pretty well. It’s hard to have complex “human dynamic” negotiations (especially those that are sexual in nature) without being face to face, seeing body language, being able to quickly gauge tone or emotion. And obviously, more of this will be done when we actually are in the same room.
But some “figuring out” of what is expected, who will do what, how, and when, has to come before seeing each other in real life. That’s how we decide if meeting is even something we want to do. And it’s the biggest difficulty of online “dating,” in my book.
We get an image, or set of images, and a short intro/bio along with some superficial information about what the person or couple is looking for and willing to offer. It’s basically window shopping until something catches our eye, and we start looking a little closer. Or rather, I should be honest: I’m not the shopper here. That’s Mr. D. He shops around, finds something that catches His eye, shows it to me to gain my approval, and then starts investigating, maybe strikes up a chat, and then pulls me in if things start to look promising.
Over the past couple of months, we’ve chatted with a few couples, but none have gone too far as we don’t play in our own yard, and trying to set up a meet has proven difficult (with schedules and with restrictions). We’ve chatted with a single female, but that sort of fizzled. And now He is in pretty deep conversations with K. I’ve pulled back a bit, not so much because I’m not interested, but because I’m feeling a bit awkward and clumsy.
I’ve opted to simply sit back like a good sub and leave the planning and arranging to Him. And He’s stepped up to His position beautifully. It’s really the first time, as the Dom, He’s done this. So both of us are really navigating our roles in a whole new way.
He’s always pointing out that He just wants to me to be a better follower…to let go and do what He asks. And so…that is what I’m doing. I trust that whatever He has planned is going to keep everyone’s needs in the forefront, and that He’ll put me, my comfort, and my safety first. But it is not really my place, otherwise, to ask questions. I’ve done what was expected. I voiced my confusion and discomfort. And He took that into account, mulled it over, and dealt with it in our ongoing chat.
I’m not sure what our interactions will look like when we finally get together. And, though I find it weird to say this, because it really isn’t like me…I’m just plain not worried about it. It will be what it will be. And we will learn from it, and grow.
If I’m truly honest, our ministrations in the world of swinging (threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes) has been a bit discordant over the years. On occasion, we’ve managed to make beautiful music together in this lifestyle. We’ve enjoyed being a unified front in the “dating” field, planning and then debriefing after an event. Those interactions and discussions have brought us closer, because we’ve learned more about each other and have shared a very intimate experience.
In the past, however, there has always been a lack of trust on my part. A fear. I’ve not been “all in.” I’ve done it “for Him.”
While I probably wouldn’t do this just for me (it’s not really my fantasy), I am now doing it for us. That’s a much healthier and more inclusive reason. One that involves me being a better communicator and being a part of the decision-making, and requires Him to ensure that I’m a satisfied partner. At least that’s how our D/s relationship works. My needs and desires and happiness are paramount to His planning.
Letting go and letting Him do it, though…that’s always been a difficulty for me. I overthink what He’s doing and catastrophize the possible results in my head, rather than simply going along and enjoying the ride for what it is…a nice scenic side venture on the long road that is our marriage…a two-part harmonic chorus in a the magnum opus that is our life.
I’m feeling pretty positive about current operations. And every time I feel that tell-tale catch in my throat or my diaphragm, the little anxious pause that threatens to force my bloom closed, I breath. And I repeat in my mind….
And I go back to my favorite poem. We are at the fork in the yellow wood. He is choosing the path, and I am taking His hand, breathing through the decision, closing my eyes when I need to to get through it… I sometimes worry too much about that other path… knowing that way leads on to way and that we will never come back to this place.
That worry has sometimes kept me at the fork, or forced me to turn back. Negative feelings about what will be missed or worries about not being able to go back, have ruined possibilities. After all, there will always be more forks, more diversions, more choices, more paths. This journey just keeps going forward, if we let it…and we never have to be stuck on a path for long. Even the difficult ones come to an end, and we have the option to take another, to change our direction.
Keeping that in mind is my talisman during unknown ventures. I’m not good at “new” or “different” or “change.” But that doesn’t mean I can’t do it…or that it isn’t good for me to push myself beyond my comfort zone. He is helping me with that.