I’ve never been good at asking for what I want (sexually or otherwise). Even after 15 years of marriage and 12 years of sex-blogging, I’m shit at putting my desires into words in the moment…to another human’s actual face.
A desire hits me, but I choke it back.
Is it because I’m unsure? Or because I don’t want to be vulnerable and admit that I want something? Or do I not want to be a bother?
I don’t even bring up non-sexual things I want to do…shows I want to watch, plans I want to make. So, it’s really just part of my personality.
He asks, What do you want to do tonight? And I say, I don’t know…what do you want to do? Even if, inside, I’m dying to go out dancing or watch a particular movie. (I know…it’s aggravating to us both, and I’m working on it.)
But mainly, it’s a problem when it comes to sexual desire, because I stifle myself. And when I do that…choke back what I want…I also slow my roll. And the roll is exactly what He wants. My libido…set loose, on full steam.
It is dumb, because I can’t imagine a scenario where Mr. D tells me, Why no, I don’t think I’ll let you suck my cock this morning.
So, fear of rejection seems unlikely.
The thing I’m learning is that this willingness to say no to myself is also a willingness to say no to Him and to us, since He’s continually asked me to get in touch with my inner slut, to act on my sexual thoughts, and to get past my hang-ups about putting myself out there.
Is it lack of confidence?
Fear of looking dumb in the process?
Because I’m pretty sure even my most awkward attempts would be appreciated. He’s not terribly judge-y about how I ask for sex, as long as I do it.
So, embarrassment then? Do I find what I want embarrassing? Is it embarrassing to crave giving or receiving pleasure?
Basically none of the possible reasons are good enough to deny myself or Him. He wants and needs to feel desired, so when I feel desire, it’s just as good for His ego as it is for my own confidence to just fucking say it.
But I feel it bottleneck in my throat. And I feel a tightening in my body. A buzzing in my diaphragm. Classic signs of anxiety.
I suppose, as with any fear or action that is difficult for us to perform, it is less about understanding the why and more about practicing the desired behavior over and over until it feels less “scary.”
Because seriously, I could introspect myself until I’m blue in the face, and it still wouldn’t make me more confident, more willing to be vulnerable, less anxious. Doing it, getting a rush of positive feedback, and doing it again.
A little less talk, and a lot more action.
Just do it.
You get my drift.
I’m learning that just doing is sometimes better than thinking too much. Because I think myself right out of doing too often.
My anxious, overthinking, planning brain always wants to be prepared for everything that could go wrong. It wants to judge my actions, label them, tsk tsk, and such.
Maybe I’m worried I’ll open a Pandora’s Box and not be able to stuff my desires back in once I let them out?
Maybe I’m afraid of the darkness I’ll find?
To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. (Federico García Lorca)
Denying ourselves because we fear rejection or lack confidence or judge ourselves through a lens we’ve been given only ensures that we will continue to deny ourselves, effectively numbing ourselves, or gearing up for an explosion at a later date. It can certainly do nothing good for our mental or emotional health.
It is also the greatest punishment we can bring on others. By denying ourselves, we deny them.
But I have to be careful not to open up just because He wants me to. That is His desire talking, not mine.
And it is an excuse to say I’ll do it for Him. Even though that is so much easier. It takes the responsibility off of me.
This also means being honest about what I don’t want. Because that’s gotten me (and us) into trouble more times than I care to admit. Though I do think that sometimes we must also compromise to make each other happy.
Here’s a real world example that we are going through right now, learning as we go:
Mr. D is currently in contact with someone who may engage in a possible threesome with us. Of course, because we are not in the same town, a lot of conversation is happening in chat, and the “relationship” is building into the possibility of something more ongoing than just a one time deal. This person is a trans woman, and she is a submissive with her own dominant. As a submissive myself, I’m trying to figure out what my place would be in this situation, which means I’m having to question my own desires in relation to this triad. And I’m having to open up about that. So last night, I approached Him with my wonderings about my place in this, because it really seemed as if the conversation was mainly between Him and her. I don’t have a lot to contribute, which may be more my fault than anyone else’s because I’m kind of hanging back, and I’m terrible at chatting. I’m a bit confused about my own feelings, too, because this is new. I’ve never been with a trans woman and I’m having to learn how to interact and what terminology to use (though I’ll be honest, interactions with some people online have terrified me in this regard, to the point of stifling honest conversation and paralyzing growth). Also, though I won’t go into detail, because it’s her personal business, physically, I’m not sure what to do to please her or myself in this situation. My ignorance leads to unsureness.
However, I was vulnerable enough to bring this up to my Husband last night. I told Him that I didn’t have a lot to say in the chat because I kind of don’t have a clue how to “work this.” It also seemed as if she was more interested in pleasing/being with Him and less interested in being with a woman, herself. So, as the dominant, He is having to learn how to orchestrate it, ensuring that all are satisfied. This means asking the right questions, listening, and guiding.
When I woke up this morning and reviewed their chat from last night, I saw that this is exactly what Mr. D began to do. After listening to my concerns, He brought dealt with them by asking how I would fit in to this equation. I won’t tread on their conversation, as it was theirs, but I’ll note that I felt heard. And in feeling heard, I felt more comfortable.
I’m apprehensive, but I’m constantly gauging my feelings about it, and as soon as I felt nervous at all, I pulled out of the conversation. I don’t have a lot to say to her in chat. I’m terrible with small talk, and because I don’t know what kind of sexual talk works in this situation, I clammed up, and am now giving Mr. D the ropes. Which is maybe what I should have done in the first place. While this isn’t something I, personally, would have chased after, it is not something I am not interested in. But it is something Mr. D is interested in pursuing. And He was honest with me about it…which is an example of Him…He didn’t keep quiet about His desires, which He could easily have done (though maybe not as easily as me, as He has a tendency to explode when His desires are held back for too long). I appreciate His openness and vulnerability in stepping up here. Sexuality is such a wide-open world of possibility that doesn’t have to just be “A goes in B.”
So I guess this is one of those compromise moments. And I may learn that it is less a compromise that I think it is in the end. I know that I can be (and am) sexually attracted to a range of people, regardless of sex or gender. I just haven’t been with anyone other than a heterosexual male or female or a bi female. This is new frontier for me. For us both.
One thing is sure, any time we put ourselves in a new situation, we learn things about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships. As long as we stay open and keep communicating, we grow. Even if we stumble or make mistakes.
And right now, we are definitely growing.
(Wow…I really opened up there…and I hope I don’t receive any backlash for it. I tried very hard to be sensitive and honest. Please be nice.)