If I had to whittle my closet down to just my signature items, they would be:
A black a-line dress, pearls, and short black heels for when I HAVE to dress up (bleh);
Jeans, t-shirts, plain-colored cardigans, and Danskos for work (plus my school sweatshirts) – thank GOD I work somewhere that lets me dress like this;
Black crop yoga pants or joggers, ribbed tank tops, and zip hoodies for home;
Converse and Vans.
Yeah, that’s pretty much me. I am not, and have never been much for dressing up, and Covid has just made it that much more unnecessary.
None of it is really sexy, and I know Mr. D prefers it when I put in a bit more effort. But…comfort usually wins out. I look every bit the mom and teacher I am most of the time. I could honestly stand a style make-over at this point in my life (volunteers?), I’m sure. But, being at home so much (and let’s be honest, putting on a few pounds), has made that unappealing.
Maybe that’s why I put a little more effort into my lingerie, trying to buy cute and sexy sets that match. Since on the outside, I prefer not to stand out. And while my lingerie can be sexy…I’m a bigger fan of just plain old naked. I’ll turn up the heat from time to time for His sake, since He loves thigh highs, fishnet, garters, and balconette bras. But if it were up to me, I’d give it all up for simple soft skin, unadorned and freshly showered.
Even my make-up is there, but not there. Unless I’m dressing up…and then I’ll go straight for the red lipstick and black eyeliner ala Audrey Hepburn and a soft classic scent like Angel or Cashmere.
Mr. D would love me to be more “slutty” or even “trashy” from time to time. I guess I need to work on that. If I had to pull that off right now, I’m sure I have nothing in my closet that would suffice. Sad.
I lean toward classic colors: navy, black, grey, burgundy. I do have some boots and a few trendier pieces (skinny jeans, tunics, scarves, and ankle boots), but my standards never seem to change, and everything is still a variation of my basic style. If I had to choose my favorite shops to represent my style, they’d be The Gap, Old Navy, LL Bean, Eddie Bauer, and Anne Taylor – but, because of my size (16), I tend to lean more often toward Torrid, Lane Bryant, and Maurices.
Things aren’t much different when it comes to my decorating style, though I’ll admit to a bit more color in my home decor. I tend toward traditional in most regards. Grey fabric or hardwood furniture. I have a few focal pieces that I really wanted when we moved into our new house – a long farmhouse table and a hutch to display colorful dishes. If I had to choose my favorite shops to represent my style, they’d be Pottery Barn and Pier 1.
I gave up on black furniture a long time ago, though I loved it in my first house. I hate dusting, and black is just too much effort. I’ve settled into my “beige” years (though my beige is grey) and I now understand the draw of muted colors everywhere. I don’t have a lot of knick knacks or decorations. Mainly just photos, books, and plants.
My home says “comfort” all over it. Blankets on every couch or chair for snuggling up, cat beds and dog toys everywhere. And cozy color…I like the walls painted in warm tones, soft green, barn red, ochre yellow, and light gray in the bedrooms and bathrooms. Wood floors are my preference…with colorful rugs, and stained glass lighting to keep things from becoming monotone. And homemade quilts for the bedrooms.
I’ve given up on having things just for decorative purposes (other than a few interesting items I’ve been gifted over the years – like my coffee tables that look like stacked books and a few unique vases). I don’t have decorative towels in the bathroom, though I do finally have a guest room, which I haven’t had in some years. No one uses it, but the antique furniture I scored when we moved in is beautiful (and possibly haunted?). Maybe it wasn’t the best use of that room, and it may eventually become something more functional, but it was nice in theory.
Really nothing about me or my style (in any regard) is dressy or fancy or glamorous. I can pass for it on occasion, but I’m most comfortable in my joggers and a t-shirt hanging out on my squishy couch with a blanket, a cat by my side, the dog at my feet, and a book or my computer in my lap.
Even my writing style and my work style and my parenting style tend toward the more casual, tried and true, traditional, back to the basics. Old school (I’m talking Socrates old when it comes to how I teach) is new school in my book. Though I guess it’s a little weird that I write about sex (confessional/narrative, poetry, and fiction)…cause that’s anything but traditional, at least where I come from. Maybe that’s my little bit of spice and rebellion.
My sexual style is just about as reserved as anything else in my life (to my Husband’s chagrin). I’m not a seductress, I’m shit at flirting, and I’m awkward when it comes to initiation. I’m not very creative, either. People like me are the reason books like 101 Nights of Great Sex are written and sell so well (which mean I’m not alone…and I find that oddly validating).
Yes, I know it’s ironic, since I do write a fair bit of erotic fiction (you’d think I’d be more creative in the bedroom, eh?), and I have made it a goal to work on this aspect of my sexuality. After 15+ years together, we are definitely in the place where stepping up the creativity (both ways) is going to be a thing. Hence my recent focus on uncovering & unlocking our fantasies. It’s what we walked away from our last sex therapy session with…the knowledge that to improve our intimacy challenges, we were going to have to really focus on the things that turn the other on most…and meet those needs as often as possible (check out my last post on the top 3 fantasies in the U.S. and how they apply to us).
The most obvious element of my sexual style is that I’m sexually submissive. I also like to be pursued, wooed, and pampered with romance. My brain is a romance novel, dripping with all the syrupy sweetness that you’d find between the pages of a Nicholas Sparks book (ugh…I’m embarrassed to admit that). But…there is a heaping spoonful of dirty thoughts mixed in. I fantasize about the darker sides of BDSM. I like to be “forced,” used, and drug along (sometimes kicking and screaming) to try things I wouldn’t have the guts to do on my own.
I’m not good about asking for what I want, either. Which is another thing I’ve been working on for ages (I think I’m getting better). Communication is obviously necessary for any relationship to succeed, especially a D/s relationship or one where multiple partners are invited in (we haven’t gone poly, but we swing from time to time, and that means we have to really be on the same page about boundaries, expectations, and rules in that regard). I mostly let Him guide us in that area, but I’m a willing participant and we do a lot of debriefing after our experiences.
I wouldn’t call our sex life vanilla – not by a long shot…but it isn’t all 31 flavors yet, either…nor do I think it ever will be. But I’m up for trying a taster spoon of most.