Experience

I’m (not) afraid (anymore)

I feel like I’m constantly evolving, learning and growing as I push to take up more space inside of myself. It’s a wonderland inside my brain, and there are never-ending possibilities for expansion. Especially when it comes to my sexuality.

That’s how this blog was found.

I knew I wanted to write, and I knew I wanted to share what I wrote and communicate with others, but until I found my theme and honed in on the specific topic of sex, my blog was pretty much just a jumble of thoughts about everything, and it wasn’t helpful at all in finding clarity.

Now, not only do I know what I’m writing about, but I also know why. To keep questioning and digging and becoming.

Sex is one of those things that always has a mystery to offer. No matter how many times you have it, there is always more to want, more to wonder, and more to explore.

I basically never run out of content. It’s like making it to the end of the internet…which will never happen.

16 years ago, I was just beginning to understand my own orgasms with another person and I was newly realizing the joys of anal sex.

12 years ago, I had my first experiences with swinging.

10 years ago, I was uncovering my need for Dominance and realizing my desire to be submissive to my Husband.

And shortly after, I was confronted with my resistance to polyamory.

We’ve come a long way together, and despite our stumbles and failures over the years, we’ve covered a lot of ground, and I’ve stretched myself and expanded my view of what is possible for us.

We should never stop learning or growing, in any facet of our lives, lest we become stagnant.

For me, the current challenge is facing my (unfounded) fears and doing things that ‘scare’ me…or rather, make me anxious, nervous, or uncomfortable. Not because I think it’s a good idea to do stupid or dangerous things, but because “normal” things that scare us do so for a reason…and getting to the bottom of that reason helps us to get beyond it.

If I was going to have a collar…this would probably be a good one. A reminder of what I need to do to set my own damn self free.

 

For example, public speaking. If I’m terrified of it, but I do it anyway, eventually I may find that I enjoy it, or that, at least, it opens doors to other things that I enjoy more.

In sex, it’s adventure that scares me, mostly because I don’t know what to expect.

As a person who struggles with surprise or spontaneity (or change…or anything new…or…), setting a course for uncharted, at least for me, sexual territory, sets off all the anxiety alarms. My body reacts as if it must flee from danger to avoid death when all that is really happening is I’m facing an experience I’ve never been in before. It’s an irrational response to a safe but new situation.

For example, the first time my Husband used a violet wand on me was a disaster. I was terrified before He even touched me with it, convinced it would hurt and convinced I would hate it. So, obviously, it rose (or sunk) to my expectations.

But now, after our foray into sex therapy and after promising to cooperate in uncovering and exploring our fantasies, I realize that I’m not only going to have to be more open-minded, but I’m also going to have to relax. And trust. And follow.

It doesn’t mean I’ll like everything we do…or even that I’m obligated to (which was a really unfortunate theme for us early in our marriage…because I felt I had to do things to make Him happy, and I kept my own feelings to myself…and that led to pent up resentment…and then when it came out, He resented that I just went along with things I didn’t really want to do.)

Communication can go a long way to avoiding our earlier issues with sexual adventure. It’s a responsibility that belongs to both of us, and which I’m committed to.

I’m not a very adventurous person, but in the years to come, I’m sure we will branch out and try new things together. And I’m sure you’ll be the first to hear about it when we do. 20 years from now, looking back on what I’ve accomplished sexually, I hope to be surprised and astonished…and proud of myself for pushing past my own fears.


I’m not quite ready to actually say I’m not afraid anymore…In fact, I’m not sure that will ever be completely possible for me. I’m a twitchy cat. But…one toe in the water at a time…one toe…


I am not afraid anymore
Standing in the eye of the storm
Ready to face this, dying to taste this, sick sweet warmth
I am not afraid anymore
I want what you got in store
I’m ready to feed now, get in your seat now
And touch me like you never
And push me like you never
And touch me like you never
‘Cause I am not afraid, I am not afraid anymore
No no no
No no no
No no no
No no no
No no no
I am not ashamed anymore
I want something so impure
You better impress now, watching my dress now fall to the floor
Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin
Begging you to take me
Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing
But she play to win, heaven gonna hate me
And touch me like you never
And push me like you never
And touch me like you never
‘Cause I am not afraid, I am not afraid anymore
No no no
Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin
Begging you to take me
Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing
Bet you play to win, heaven gonna hate me
And touch me like you never
And push me like you never
And touch me like you never
‘Cause I am not afraid, I am not afraid anymore
No no no
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By Brigit Delaney

Welcome to my little corner of the internet! I am a blogger, poet, photographer, and writer of erotica, living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I'm glad you came. Sit back, kick off your shoes, and stay awhile.

6 comments

  1. I think you are so right about pushing ourselves sometimes to do some of the things that we feel scared of. Clearly there is a balance to be achieved but I so agree that this is the way to grow. Great post x

    1. Thanks, Missy. I, too, agree there is a balance. I mean, if all we are doing is things that scare us, well, that wouldn’t be a very happy way to exist. But, we do have to stretch ourselves from time to time to accomplish anything big.

  2. Life is a journey. If we are not evolving we are not growing. We should never feel like we are at the end. For me, the times I’ve sat idle and allowed myself to stagnate were the darkest times I’ve had. The is no comfort in complacency. There is, but it is a false feeling.

  3. Yes…I agree with that last bit especially…there is false comfort in complacency, and because it is false, it only lasts so long before something uncovers the falseness of it.

  4. We should indeed never stop learning, and sometimes it can be difficult to push ourselves to do those things we may have an irrational fear for. They say we suffer the most from the things we fear. Sometimes we just have to jump in the deep and discover that we can swim after all.
    ~ Marie xox

    1. Mr. D is all about jumping in the deep…and maybe yiu are right. When you know the water is cold, going in slowly is more uncomfortable than just jumping in and shocking yourself awake. Then you adjust to the temperature much faster. There really is no middle ground on it either. You either go in tentatively…backing out to regroup and rebuild courage…or you jump so you give yourself no option to back out.

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