I’m the safe one.
The friend in high school who always managed to get us home, even after following along and mother-henning while the group made bad decisions.
I always had an escape plan. A way out. A solution to the problem. And the managing of that always got in the way of me ever enjoying the shenanigans we got up to.
Not to say that I’m calm under pressure, because I’m not. But, after briefly panicking, and maybe having a good cry, I can pull my shit together and deal with the issue.
I was a mostly good kid in school. I did just enough “bad” stuff to avoid the “goody two shoes” label, and I had sex just early enough to avoid being called a prude. (Mind you, my motivation wasn’t to avoid the labels…it’s just that my boundaries and limits were always right there on that line. I put my toe on it…maybe one whole foot across. Once or twice my whole body crossed the line, but I was quick to return to the safety of the “right” side of expectations. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents…and I’ll admit, I’ve always been just a touch less than brave.)
There have been a few manic episodes that took away my inhibitions, and alcohol and drugs have pushed me a bit further than I may have gone on my own, but for the most part, I stay right by that line I’ve set for myself.
It’s been one of the difficulties in my marriage, because He is so much more adventurous (especially sexually speaking) than I am. He pulls me, slowly and methodically along, and I drag my feet.
I’m not sure what I’m afraid is going to happen if I just give in and follow Him down those dark, shadowy trails He sometimes likes to explore. That we’ll go too fast…that I’ll lose myself…that I won’t like it? Of course it’s just plain old fear that gets in the way. And the worry that I won’t be able to get back on the right side of the line, if I cross it and get too far from it.
So maybe it’s a lot about fear of losing control.
That’s a theme for me. And it’s a tough one for someone who claims to be a submissive.
He wants me to just let go. And 16 years in, I should be able to, right?
I guess there’s also the fear of leaving what I know…because what we know, even if it wrong or doesn’t fit, is comfortable in some way.
The quote is true…
In its essence, however, the butterfly houses the caterpillar within. It changes, but it does not cease being what it is.
Another quote I always go back to is:
…which I have often though of having tattooed on the inner part of my arm as a reminder.
And then, there’s the similarly themed poem that I often reference:
Crossing the line may well get us in trouble, and maybe that is why I hold back. I fear consequences that may impact the comfort I have created in my life.
But leaving the cocoon allows the butterfly to fly, blossoming allows the flower to see the sun, and though way does lead onto way, and I may never find my way back, all that I am or have ever been is still with me.
And following Him? Well, that’s also about trust, yes? And submission. Which have to outweigh fear and a need to control things out of (unnecessary) fear.
After all…He’s got this. He’s always got this.
I’d actually follow Him anywhere (granted…it might be kicking and screaming), because, after all this time, it’s HIM that is my comfort and safety, just as much as my home or job or situation.
Change makes me nervous, but growth doesn’t happen without it.
It’s spring now…and as the sun shines on the flowers in my yard, and they begin to bloom, I am confronted with the same draw in my marriage.
He is the sun, encouraging the blossom…the opening of cocoon…
It’s okay to walk down a path, turn the corner, and never find your way back to the starting point.
That’s letting go.