Experience

He is the sun

I’m the safe one.

The friend in high school who always managed to get us home, even after following along and mother-henning while the group made bad decisions.

I always had an escape plan. A way out. A solution to the problem. And the managing of that always got in the way of me ever enjoying the shenanigans we got up to.

Not to say that I’m calm under pressure, because I’m not. But, after briefly panicking, and maybe having a good cry, I can pull my shit together and deal with the issue.

I was a mostly good kid in school. I did just enough “bad” stuff to avoid the “goody two shoes” label, and I had sex just early enough to avoid being called a prude. (Mind you, my motivation wasn’t to avoid the labels…it’s just that my boundaries and limits were always right there on that line. I put my toe on it…maybe one whole foot across. Once or twice my whole body crossed the line, but I was quick to return to the safety of the “right” side of expectations. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents…and I’ll admit, I’ve always been just a touch less than brave.)

There have been a few manic episodes that took away my inhibitions, and alcohol and drugs have pushed me a bit further than I may have gone on my own, but for the most part, I stay right by that line I’ve set for myself.

It’s been one of the difficulties in my marriage, because He is so much more adventurous (especially sexually speaking) than I am. He pulls me, slowly and methodically along, and I drag my feet.

I’m not sure what I’m afraid is going to happen if I just give in and follow Him down those dark, shadowy trails He sometimes likes to explore. That we’ll go too fast…that I’ll lose myself…that I won’t like it? Of course it’s just plain old fear that gets in the way. And the worry that I won’t be able to get back on the right side of the line, if I cross it and get too far from it.

So maybe it’s a lot about fear of losing control.

That’s a theme for me. And it’s a tough one for someone who claims to be a submissive.

He wants me to just let go. And 16 years in, I should be able to, right?

I guess there’s also the fear of leaving what I know…because what we know, even if it wrong or doesn’t fit, is comfortable in some way.

The quote is true…

In its essence, however, the butterfly houses the caterpillar within. It changes, but it does not cease being what it is.

Another quote I always go back to is:

…which I have often though of having tattooed on the inner part of my arm as a reminder.

And then, there’s the similarly themed poem that I often reference:

Crossing the line may well get us in trouble, and maybe that is why I hold back. I fear consequences that may impact the comfort I have created in my life.

But leaving the cocoon allows the butterfly to fly, blossoming allows the flower to see the sun, and though way does lead onto way, and I may never find my way back, all that I am or have ever been is still with me.

And following Him? Well, that’s also about trust, yes? And submission. Which have to outweigh fear and a need to control things out of (unnecessary) fear.

After all…He’s got this. He’s always got this.

I’d actually follow Him anywhere (granted…it might be kicking and screaming), because, after all this time, it’s HIM that is my comfort and safety, just as much as my home or job or situation.

Change makes me nervous, but growth doesn’t happen without it.

It’s spring now…and as the sun shines on the flowers in my yard, and they begin to bloom, I am confronted with the same draw in my marriage.

He is the sun, encouraging the blossom…the opening of cocoon…

It’s okay to walk down a path, turn the corner, and never find your way back to the starting point.

That’s living.

That’s loving.

That’s letting go.

 

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8 Comments

  • Marie Rebelle

    Like you, I always stayed on the right side of things, until I didn’t and then I did again. I love following the rules, as it makes me feel safe, which is probably why following our rules in D/s totally fit me. It’s not like I never do something wrong, but 99% of the time, I am. And I find in times of stress and life throwing too much at me, I return to being the caterpillar, as I need the cocoon to cushion me from the world.
    ~ Marie xox

  • windy

    Brigit,
    I read this piece earlier today reflected upon it, and have come back tonight to read it again and share a few thoughts with you. I am the biggest chicken in all of blog land probably. lol It’s not that my husband nudges me about sexual things that we haven’t yet done. I guess we’re not too adventurous. But, I feel pressure to do what others are writing about — not everything, of course, but even taking small steps is scary to me because I am a safety gal, too.

    I do think there are lines that once crossed could affect us negatively, not that they would, but could. So for certain things letting go is a risk, but if you don’t like whatever it is, can you and your husband go back to the safer place? I think that is what I would need in order to venture out, especially way out, whatever that means in our individual relationships. I’d need the reassurance not that we could undo whatever it is we did, but that we could still go back to us without ruining us. What do you think? Windy
    windy recently posted…Just Keeping my Little Mouth ShutMy Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      I love that idea…and we’ve certainly attempted it in the past. Every couple is different, but I’ve found that once He has tasted something He likes, He is not great at leaving it behind without it becoming a bit of a contentious disappointment. For example, we were swingers for quite some time, and then I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore, for a number of reasons. Of course, we stopped, because that’s what you do when one partner has chosen to do so. But He never really got over it, and He felt a bit cheated, I think. Call Him juvenile (he can be), but it’s His nature. And I understand…once you have tasted the fruit, you can never forget the experience. I’m not quite the same, so it doesn’t affect me as much. I can let go of things and accept the loss.
      This is an issue of communication and compromise. For us, that’s where my fear sometimes comes from. I know that if He leads us down a road He likes, and I want to go back, there will possibly be resentment and definitely disappointment. So I have to He careful about what I agree to and be prepared to commit. It puts a lot of pressure on me. Im less likely to try new things because of it..
      We are working on it. This is a weakness of His, and something He is working on.
      Trying things out should be a process, and the ability to back out without consequence should be an option, even if the other person is disappointed with the decision.

  • Windy

    Thank you for taking the time to explain some of your history with me. I knew some, but I get overwhelmed trying to back read blogs because there is so much current content to read. Plus, I never know if that is where the person or couple still is….mostly likely not, since we seem to be evolving creatures in these online communities. But, you are kind of where I thought you might be on this topic and I wondered if you feared the not being able to “go back” and I got the impression that it would be challenging for him to give it up. But, I wasn’t going to quite ask any of that. You answered it brilliantly. Thank you for sharing and educating me on things that I wish to understand better.
    Windy recently posted…No, On PeaceMy Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      I get that, Windy…the back-reading bit. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just repeating myself or rehashing the same old content, but this reminds me that it is important to at least summarize things from time to time and maybe link to a back post here and there, just so newer readers can hit the ground running with you. And you are very right with the concept of evolution, as well. We are always changing and growing and moving. And since many of these blogs are confessionals, we get to follow those meandering and changing stories over time.

      Your assessments of us is correct. He’s like a pitbull when he finds something he likes. He doesn’t like to let it go. And me…if I get any sense of fear, I drop it like a hot potato and run the other direction. Both of us have work to do in this regard, obviously. And we both realize it…thankfully. So, that’s the work we have in front of us now.

  • May More

    I used that poem – Road not taken – as a 4thoughts prompt some time ago – it is one of those poems that make you think so hard and also visualise the guy standing there – which road to take…
    And yes – u need to leave the cocoon or u can not grow – safety is certainly cozy – but daring to move and change opens you to more experiences…
    May x
    May More recently posted…Social Media Personalities ~ Tribes & Virtuous VibesMy Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      Yeah, I come back to that poem repeatedly. It just gets me. Actually…all of us, because we are continually finding ourselves making decisions that will take us down a path where we will never return from whence we came. But it’s okay. I sometimes panic leaving my starting point, but there are hundreds more where that came from and so many beautiful destinations. That sigh at the end can be one of many different emotions.

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