Experience,  Opinion

Emotional Health and Submission

Submission appeals to responsible, hard working and independent women, because it takes them to a world free from those pressures.

Are submissive all hard working and independent?

Have you found this statement to be true?

Is submission a world without pressure?

This morning, as I was doing my submissive reading/research, as I am wont to do on a weekend morning, I came across Lillith Avir’s prompt (above) and read a section of Luna K’s Submissive Journey, “Living as an emotionally healthy submissive.”

I find some connections between these two sources, so I wanted to take a moment to reflect.

First, I’ll respond to Lillith’s questions. I don’t believe all submissives are hard-working and independent, because well…we’re all different. Just like any person, submissive or not, some work hard and some do not…some are independent, some are not. So, no. I don’t believe this to be true.

But, if I only apply the quote to myself, I do find this to be somewhat true. It’s not so much that submission provides a world free from pressure…because, let’s be clear here, D/s is not a one way street. It takes active work from both participants to make it work properly. I do have certain pressures to fulfill expectations, rise to commands, and follow rules. However, the expectations and rules do set me free from the stress of being in control, something I must do for most of the day and in most of my other capacities. In that regard, submission does provide a modicum of emotional freedom from the world outside. The focus of the pressure comes from within and from Him. And it’s a different kind of pressure…not so much pressure as it is direction, free from social expectation.

Living as an emotionally healthy submissive

I’m not always mentally or emotionally healthy. I don’t handle stress well, and I find life balance difficult to achieve. I slip into depression from time to time, and I feel anxiety on a regular basis. I’m a pretty run-of-the-mill neurotic. But I’m continually working toward balance and emotional stability. It takes a combination of life-style changes, health changes, and medication. And even still, it doesn’t always work. But, it’s the goal, right? According to Caruthers, “The goal of a submissive is to seek that balance in emotional states so that our service appears stress-free and sincere — even if we have a lot going on in the background.” I think, in some regards, this is true, because we want to put the other person first, and when we get too wrapped up in our our shit we become self-centered. I struggle with this, certainly, from time to time, and I find that submission does allow me to get out of my own head. So, it’s also helpful in that way, as an aide to emotional and mental health.

Emotionally healthy people (including submissives) maintain healthy relationships and avoid those that are destructive. They cultivate connections that make them happy and fulfill them. They give to others but not to the point of losing themselves. They are sensitive the emotional needs of others. And they are accepting and forgiving of themselves and others.

Finding internal peace and acceptance and forgiveness isn’t always easy. I struggle with it all the time. But, my submissive journey is an integral part of that path. Sometimes, I accept myself because He says I should…and that holds me until I can get to the point where I can accept myself. That external motivation is a bridge for me. Sometimes I do things I must, like exercise or attend to my self-care because He pushed me to it.

At the core of submission is a need to serve and connect. I do believe that most submissives have a knack for emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills. While I am an introvert, I do work in a very extroverted capacity and I devote my days to the service of others.

The service I offer at home is much different, but it provides personal fulfillment. Making Him happy makes me happy. And in this way, submission is an integral part of my emotional and mental well-being.


  • Windy

    I found this post interesting and relatable. Balance is a big word for me and what I strive for as well. I rarely achieve it though. This really jumped out at me, “The goal of a submissive is to seek that balance in emotional states so that our service appears stress-free and sincere — even if we have a lot going on in the background.” I love this! Yes! Darn that “a lot going on in the background” though. That’s a tough one for me as is, “They give to others but not to the point of losing themselves.” Again, I”m looking for balance in that area as well.

    I’m not familiar with the reading and/or authors/bloggers? you mentioned, but I will have to Google them and find out what I am missing.

    Great post! Hugs, Windy

    • Lilly

      Balance is probably one of the most important things for me. Not always easy to find and/or achieve, but definitely something I need.
      Thank you!

      • Brigit Delaney

        I look at balance as a goal…a journey. Something I find on occasion, but am otherwise always seeking.

    • Brigit Delaney

      Glad you found something to relate to. I feel like, in life, we are pretty much all in this together.

  • Julie

    I agree that the quote is relatable for many of us, but like you I think that everyone is different. I guess submission helps us compartmentalise parts of our lives which otherwise would run into each other much more.

    • Brigit Delaney

      I’ve gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing over the years. My writing world is very much a different part of me than my work world, or the world I share with family and friends. Never shall they meet. And submission, though I write about it, is very much a world I share solely with Mr. D.

  • Mary Wood

    Balance in any business is the foundation of a successful existence. If it is not there, then sooner or later something collapses. This also applies to relationships.

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