Breaking Bad Habits & Finding Motivation

This isn’t going to be a sexy post…but it’s related to sex in a certain way. Which I’ll get to.

Over the course of the last stupid pandemic year (I should have just titled this post How Covid Ruined My Health and Made Me Fat), I’ve pretty much let my health go.

In the beginning, it wasn’t so bad. I was feeling pretty motivated, stuck at home, because it was “new.” My yoga studio went virtual, and I was doing yoga every weekday at 10 am, because it fit into my new at-home work day. I was monitoring and controlling what I ate during the day, and I drank enough water.

I did however, start partaking of wine earlier and earlier (because why not? it was always 5:00 somewhere), which made me crave crap snack food, pizza, takeout, pretty much anything made of bread, cheese, and fat. Because, I’ll be honest, bread and cheese are two of my favorite things in the world.

Once summer hit, and I didn’t need to work anymore, I slept in, lost my motivation to work out, lost track of a normal eating schedule, but kept up with the wine and bread and cheese and crap.

And then I went back to work – like real work…where I couldn’t control what I did all day because I was AT the school building. And we were in full remote mode, so all I did all day was sit in a chair and stare at a screen. By the time I got home at 3, I had absolutely zero energy. Zero energy and zero motivation = depression. And that’s where I went. I wasn’t alone in this, either. Mr. D was in the same boat, and it really hurt us as a couple. Our lack of drive for anything constituted trouble in our marriage, too. That why, in November, we found ourselves seeing a sex therapist to help get ourselves back on track.

It’s not hard to see, in retrospect, how our lifestyle was contributing to our problems. Physical health has a lot to do with mental and emotional health…and sexual health.

The sex therapy did help quite a bit with the mental and emotional aspects of our relationship, but throughout it all, the therapist urged us both to get healthier (namely to exercise). I tried. I got back on a pretty good schedule of short workouts. But I didn’t keep it up for longer than a few weeks. We just kept ordering takeout, and, as a result, I couldn’t lose weight, even with workouts. So…I gave up.

Plus, I’m back in school, so my days are busy. Our kids are back in school. Not full time, but close. And I’m still the mom-taxi, so I have to take my kid to practice every day. And I’m going to school, myself. I’m busy. And it’s really easy to say I’m too busy.

But, that’s not true. I spend a lot of time doing this. And I read. And I watch TV. I have time…I’ve just chosen not to use it getting healthier. After all, there are plenty of people just as busy as me (or busier) that manage to workout and cook healthy meals. And before Covid hit, we were really doing that pretty well (at least the cooking part). Somehow, this last year just twisted something inside of us and sapped us of drive.

That “Covid-19” is a real thing. I’ve gained roughly 20 lbs. I lose 5 here and gain 3 back, but I’m sitting pretty uncomfortably at 215-ish right now.

I just had labs done, and my cholesterol is through the roof and my liver is screaming “help me!” So…yeah. I’m not looking forward to my next doctor’s appointment, because I know exactly what she’s going to say to me. You’re fat. Work out. Stop drinking. Well, she’ll be nicer about it, but that’s the gist of it.

I pretty much have no choice but to dig deep and find some fucking motivation to get off my ass and start eating healthier and moving my butt. So, I rejoined Noom, and downloaded a workout app called FitON that offers a bunch of free workouts in various styles. I’m motivated by stickers and trophies and little texts that say, “Good girl…you did great today!” So these sorts of apps are helpful for me, psychologically. Mr. D is normally our household cook, but since Covid did a similar thing to Him, He’s not been motivated to cook the sorts of meals He used to. I’ve asked Him to, for my sake, and He’s made an effort to get back to it. That’ll help us all.

I’m frustrated. And I don’t feel great about myself, but I know that it’s in my power to change that. I have two choices…to change or not to change. That’s it. there’s no “sort of changing.” It’s a Yoda moment – “Do or do not. There is no try.”

Ugh. Deep, deep sigh.

I have really loved my relationship with pizza, and Chinese takeout, and Jimmy John’s sandwiches, and Door Dash bringing me burritos and tacos, and fast food of all sorts, and lattes, and…. You get it. All. The. Things. All the naughtiest foods. If it’s cheesy and savory and full of fat and carbs, I’m all over it. But, it’s not good for me.

Lettuce? An apple? Grilled chicken and broccoli? They all just make me sad right now. And yet, I’ve got to learn to love them again.

I don’t have to be thin to be sexy. I know that. I’m not even looking to be thin. But, healthy? That provides energy…the energy I need to be a sexually active and feel better. So…this is it. My written contract (you’re my witnesses). I’m gonna do better.


  • Mrs Fever

    I love bread and cheese and my primary love language is pizza. So… I feel ya. 😉

    You’re not asking for advice, so I won’t leave any… But if it would be helpful for you to hear what has worked for someone else (namely, moi) in the weight-maintenance department, I’d be happy to share.
    Mrs Fever recently posted…[SNF] VivaldiMy Profile

  • Jae Lynn

    I’m a carb junkie and this past year has been horrible here too. I was forced to give up all the delicious bad for me food and little by little my motivation to workout is coming back. It’s hard. My point (yes I think I had one lol) is that accountability is a huge thing. I have to have something or someone holding me accountable until I can stay on the wagon on my own. I think the apps that give stickers or trophies are great too and I just wanted to show you some support. 😊

    • Brigit Delaney

      Thanks, Jae…it is always good to know I’m not alone. Being healthy seems like it should be so easy, and I feel like a failure when I’m not…because why can’t I just make myself, right? But, I’ve got to give myself grace and take it a step at a time. Thanks for the support!

  • Brigit Delaney

    I’d love to start some sort of group for those of us who could use the support…I’m just not sure ho many people would be into it. But that added accountability might help.

  • Marie Rebelle

    Just this past week I was thinking about how I should get back to healthy eating, but with all going on in our life, I really lack motivation. With Master T’s stroke, we have more or less stopped drinking – from 3 nights a week down to 1 – but I still eat some snacks, and since a couple of months one or two handfulls of M&M’s every night. Every. Night. I really want to get back to healthy eating, but I don’t know if I’m (mentally) ready to do so…
    ~ Marie xox

    • Brigit Delaney

      I totally get that. Stress is my number one health derailer. And I feel like I’m stressed all the fucking time. And that impacts my hormones in a bad way, too…which helps to keep the weight on. I feel like I need a health Dom who follows me around all day and tells me what to do.

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