My EJC Responses

The State of Our Sexual Union

From wikipedia: The State of the Union Address (sometimes abbreviated to SOTU) is an annual message[1] delivered by the president of the United States to the U.S. Congress near the beginning of each calendar year on the current condition of the nation.[2] The message typically includes reports on the nation’s budget, economy, news, agenda, achievements and the president’s priorities and legislative proposals.[3]

At the end of January, I did a post called Sex Stats that included some of this same info.

The State of Our Sexual Union is stronger than it has been in some time.

Statistics from last year show that we had sex a total of 50 times over the course of twelve months, with two months being completely dry and several more being close.

This graph tells a story.

In late winter, we followed our normal pattern, which was enough for me, but not enough for Him, and therefore not enough for us. Post pandemic, as the isolation began to feel stifling and a low level depression set in, it really dropped off. And in August, when Mr. D broke His foot, it stopped. By October, we found ourselves back where we’ve been a few times before…sexless, living like roommates, emotionally distanced, and headed for disaster.

That’s when He suggested a new counselor…and this time, rather than a regular marriage counselor, since we have learned by experience that this is not what we have needed all these years, we searched for a sex therapist so we could focus on the actual problem.

At the time, we knew sex was clearly the issue, not a symptom of a greater problem, like marriage counselors before have suggested. Sex and our feelings about it, our fantasies, our desires, and how we go about sharing them and carrying them out is the central issue.

That was early November, and you can see on this graph the instant upswing in activity.

Read these few posts about our first experiences with sex therapy:

So, we have a sex therapist now…

Putting in the work

Sex therapy update

Identifying each other’s fantasies

Identifying each other’s fantasies, part 2

It’s obviously had a positive impact. Take a look at our numbers for 2021, so far:

Not as high as November/December 2021, but we’ve has sex 20 times in just 2.5 months, vs 50 in 12. It’s definitely an improvement.

The imperative goal here, though, is to not fall into old patterns of complacency, which is terribly easy to do, especially in times of stress or when life starts to take over.

Finding time for each other (we now have our Friday nights back – thanks to grandparents, and we are continuing our Wednesday night and Saturday morning marriage talks) is the first order of business. The second is taking those fantasy lists we have created and making some of those things happen for each other. Some are difficult right now, because of the pandemic restrictions and safety precautions that need to be observed. But, others…well, there are other posts for that.

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  • Mike

    No matter the challenges, it is great that you are taking a proactive approach to your marriage and sex life. So many languish in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction and eventual resentment. Taking steps to grow in these areas puts you in a much better position for success.

    • Brigit Delaney

      I agree. I know I have readers who come here for ideas about how to improve their own situations, and I hope that is the message they are receiving, too.

  • missy

    Wow you have so much detail and analysis it makes me feel quite haphazard about what we do. We just kind of do it whenever and if it has been a while then I notice and do something about it. I am always impressed by your organization analytical approach to things. It is very interesting to reflect back and see patterns too. Missy x

    • Brigit Delaney

      Not everyone needs or wants or should be as anal retentive about sex stats. I’m a nerd, and it bleeds into to everything I do.

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