After our last sex therapy session, we walked away with a vague solution of fulfilling each other’s fantasies more, and during the ride home we determined to both take the time to create a list of what we thought the other person’s fantasies were. We planned to then give this list to the other — add, delete, revise — and then return it so it could be used as a reference tool.
But as I sat down to create my list, I realized how woefully blank I was on the subject of my Husband’s fantasies. I wasn’t at a complete loss. I came up with about 5 things, but I wasn’t looking forward to our “meeting” to discuss them. I was afraid He’d be both frustrated and hurt that I knew so little.
So when Saturday morning rolled around, and I tentatively brought it up, I was upfront about my paltry list. I asked if He had His done. And to my surprise, He had nothing. He said He felt prepared to make a list of ways to fulfill my need for romance, but nothing for my fantasies.
It appears we have both been remiss in sharing a very important piece of our psyche with the other here.
It’s not that we have never talked about desires in our marriage. And it’s not as if we have haven’t experimented. We’ve done some role play, explored a few kinks, and have had sexual experiences with others (together). We’ve stepped outside our box, for better and worse. But I don’t think we’ve ever just stopped to figure out what the other person really needs sexually. So I suppose it is no wonder that we struggle in that department.
The beauty of this revelation is that with the problem identified, and the discussion started, a solution with the scent of something yummier than compromise (which is what we’ve always hoped for) is possible.
I showed Him my sad, little list. He added quite a few things. Most didn’t surprise me…a couple did. And then I pointed out my Erotic Bucket List, which He has viewed before, but must have forgotten.
In fact, I think that really is our biggest problem. We know the other person has a different sex language…different desires and sexual interests…different kinks, and yet we get wrapped up in our own. And we’re either (or both) too afraid or too self-centered to delve into the other’s world and open the door to our own.
Once I had a working list of His fantasies/desires, I realized there were a few we have on common. So, of course, those are the natural place to begin. I’m going to organize His list (and keep adding to it) by the easiest to the hardest. There may, of course, be things on His list that I’m not comfortable with. Just as there may be some on mine that He isn’t interested in. The idea isn’t to fulfill every single fantasy the other person has, but rather to identify them and find the ones that we have in common and the ones that we are both willing to fulfill and may be interested in adding to our own agenda.
It’s worth it to step outside of my comfort zone from time to time. To spice things up by meeting the needs and desires of the one I love most so that I can love Him best.
It’s also a way to get to know each other more deeply and intimately. A way to be vulnerable with each other.
I’m not going to share His list here. That’s His personal info, though I’m sure I’ll write about some of the things we get up to because of this list.
This is definitely the beginning of a process that has been years in the making. And it feels so good to finally be getting at the core of our problem, knowing that there are actions we can take to improve the situation.
While what we are doing now, to an outside observer, may seem like an obvious solution, it really has taken guidance and reflection for us to see beyond the mess we made.
Simple, yes. Easy, no.
The lists are a first step, and will likely be the topic of conversation at our next appointment (this Saturday). The next step is using the list to begin reshaping our sex life.
I look at it as sort of a physical therapy guide…or maybe a workout program. Though maybe that adds a negative element that I don’t want to attach to it. But honestly, it is like we’re sexually out of shape. Getting into good sexual shape will require a change in activity and mindset.