Identifying each other’s fantasies (part 2)

After our last sex therapy session, we walked away with a vague solution of fulfilling each other’s fantasies more, and during the ride home we determined to both take the time to create a list of what we thought the other person’s fantasies were. We planned to then give this list to the other — add, delete, revise — and then return it so it could be used as a reference tool.

But as I sat down to create my list, I realized how woefully blank I was on the subject of my Husband’s fantasies. I wasn’t at a complete loss. I came up with about 5 things, but I wasn’t looking forward to our “meeting” to discuss them. I was afraid He’d be both frustrated and hurt that I knew so little.

So when Saturday morning rolled around, and I tentatively brought it up, I was upfront about my paltry list. I asked if He had His done. And to my surprise, He had nothing. He said He felt prepared to make a list of ways to fulfill my need for romance, but nothing for my fantasies.

It appears we have both been remiss in sharing a very important piece of our psyche with the other here.

It’s not that we have never talked about desires in our marriage. And it’s not as if we have haven’t experimented. We’ve done some role play, explored a few kinks, and have had sexual experiences with others (together). We’ve stepped outside our box, for better and worse. But I don’t think we’ve ever just stopped to figure out what the other person really needs sexually. So I suppose it is no wonder that we struggle in that department.

The beauty of this revelation is that with the problem identified, and the discussion started, a solution with the scent of something yummier than compromise (which is what we’ve always hoped for) is possible.

I showed Him my sad, little list. He added quite a few things. Most didn’t surprise me…a couple did. And then I pointed out my Erotic Bucket List, which He has viewed before, but must have forgotten.

In fact, I think that really is our biggest problem. We know the other person has a different sex language…different desires and sexual interests…different kinks, and yet we get wrapped up in our own. And we’re either (or both) too afraid or too self-centered to delve into the other’s world and open the door to our own.

Once I had a working list of His fantasies/desires, I realized there were a few we have on common. So, of course, those are the natural place to begin. I’m going to organize His list (and keep adding to it) by the easiest to the hardest. There may, of course, be things on His list that I’m not comfortable with. Just as there may be some on mine that He isn’t interested in. The idea isn’t to fulfill every single fantasy the other person has, but rather to identify them and find the ones that we have in common and the ones that we are both willing to fulfill and may be interested in adding to our own agenda.

It’s worth it to step outside of my comfort zone from time to time. To spice things up by meeting the needs and desires of the one I love most so that I can love Him best.

It’s also a way to get to know each other more deeply and intimately. A way to be vulnerable with each other.

I’m not going to share His list here. That’s His personal info, though I’m sure I’ll write about some of the things we get up to because of this list.

This is definitely the beginning of a process that has been years in the making. And it feels so good to finally be getting at the core of our problem, knowing that there are actions we can take to improve the situation.

While what we are doing now, to an outside observer, may seem like an obvious solution, it really has taken guidance and reflection for us to see beyond the mess we made.

Simple, yes. Easy, no.

The lists are a first step, and will likely be the topic of conversation at our next appointment (this Saturday). The next step is using the list to begin reshaping our sex life.

I look at it as sort of a physical therapy guide…or maybe a workout program. Though maybe that adds a negative element that I don’t want to attach to it. But honestly, it is like we’re sexually out of shape. Getting into good sexual shape will require a change in activity and mindset.

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  • MrsK

    I love this concept of writing each others fantasises and then comparing it. And you’re very right about people getting caught up in themselves and their desires, even when knowing that their partner has fantasies as well.
    It’s great that you’re both so invested in this 🙂
    Thank you so much for sharing this very personal endeavor. It will help so many to see that it’s okay to seek outside help, even if you’re kinky 🙂

    • Brigit Delaney

      That is indeed the point, Mrs.K! In fact, we were pretty stoked to find a sex therapist with kink background…so they ARE put there. It just takes some searching. And I do hope that people take away just that…that it is okay to seek help and that everyone struggles in some way at some time. Even those of us who write about sex!

  • Marie Rebelle

    Maybe this is an exercise every couple should do at least once, to compare fantasies, and to see what they can work on for each other. Thank you for sharing this, and your journey with the sex therapist 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

  • Mrs Fever

    I have to admit I chuckled to myself when I read that your “homework” was to make a list… Because, methinks you kink to list-making. 😉

    It’s an interesting exercise in sexual communication, for sure. I’m glad you’re not trying to tick off every fantasy box — that way leads to disaster, I think — but rather using it as a way to find common ground and to be more open with each other.

    On a completely unrelated ‘admin’ note — I know you made some changes to your blog not too long ago (hosting? something…) but FYI: I am not receiving emails when you post. Nor are your posts showing up in my WP Reader very regularly, and when I try to biew/click-through to your posts via the WP app, it doesn’t work. I can do it via the browser (once they show up in my feed), but otherwise I have to manually type in your url to catch up on reading you.

    I’m not complaining — just sharing information. I know I’d want to know if my readers were having trouble accessing my blog. 🙂
    Mrs Fever recently posted…In which, we attempt to photograph a sweater…My Profile

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