What I want as a submissive

I know submission is supposed to be about giving and serving, but I think it is important to reflect on what you, as the submissive, get from it, both in the beginning, and periodically, just to update and ensure that it is still fulfilling for you. Because that IS important.

I’d say, the first step to becoming a submissive is the decision to become one (even if you are naturally submissive, this decision is important, because it is a role you must fulfill, not just a personality trait you have). But the second, in my opinion, is determining what you want from this role (or hope to get from it).

Each of us may get different things from it, and those things may change over time, with different relationships, with changing life circumstances. Like anything, submission is malleable. It can (and should) grow with us so that it continues to fit.

Here are the top three “Benefits I get from submission”:


I like being able to give up being in control and letting someone else take over. I make a lot of decisions during the day and have to take a “dominant” role in many ways. But for me, that’s exhausting, not empowering. I’m also an introvert, and I work a lot of people all day, so I’ve got multiple balls in the air continuously. I’m a decent multi-tasker, but by the time I get home, I’m either, tired, anxious, irritable or some combination of the three because my brain is tied in knots. I’m not good about letting things go or settling down on my own. But when someone else tells me to, it’s like a light switch for me. I can also admit that there are times during D/s play, especially when He spanks me (though it’s been awhile), when I can reach subspace. And honestly, that is like being in a sensory deprivation chamber. It’s all white noise and floaty softness; the world just drifts away.

Currently, it can be difficult to just focus on Him when I get home, as we are still mainly in some loose form of lockdown, and our son is always around. Even in normal circumstances, I have to work around housework, taxiing my son to/from practices, errands, and school work. This is an ongoing challenge and is at the forefront of my mind right now, because I’m trying to figure out ways to keep my submissive mindset through this. This is definitely one of our external challenges. I think it calls for rituals and routines, something we’ve never been all that good at, which is likely part of our problem.

I like who He is when He’s in charge:

Honestly, He’s the best version of Himself when He’s in “Dominant-mode.” His confidence is high, which is terribly sexy, and He inhabits His protector/benefactor/head of the household role perfectly. This allows me to “let go.” I don’t have to be nervous that He’s somehow going to forget to do something important (like pay a bill), and I can leave that part of our partnership to Him. It calms my anxiety and this underlying feeling that I somehow have to run everything or control everything because someone else is going to drop the ball (which I think comes from my schooling and work experience).

If you want to know the truth, I like being the “little woman.” The one He takes care of. It’s not to say I couldn’t take care of myself (I’ve proven I can), but I prefer this role.

Our style of D/s is not quite what you’d find in books or movies. We aren’t much for scenes, and our roles melt into our daily life. We are far more like a traditional 1950s home in a lot of ways with a bit of sexy thrown in for spice. And of course, we both work, he does the cooking, and there is more respect for my contributions. D/s for us is not just sexual. It also defines what we do during the day and the roles we take as partners running a home. 

It improves my libido:

Because sex is a big part of our D/s, it keeps it at the front of my brain, and therefore, it improves my libido to some degree. I find Dominance sexy, so it makes Him more appealing to me, sexually. Many of the expectations He has of me are sexual, and therefore, I am continually working to improve in those areas. That work is good for my libido. Writing and reading about sex, taking sexy photos of myself, wearing lingerie…all go toward improving my libido. Add in good nutrition, less stress, exercise, medications/supplements/hormones, romance, privacy/time alone, the appropriate moon phase, and you’ve got yourself a pretty good recipe for a decent sex drive. (I really wish it were simpler than that…but it’s what I’ve got to deal with.

As our D/s has been off for some time, our rituals and routines are also off. And because of that, it can be difficult to maintain a submissive mindset. Most of the time, I feel like I’m doing this by myself. I brought that up at our last sex therapy session. And, understandably, He said that He was reticent to pick His role back up because of our checkered past with it. He’s worried that I will change my mind or decide I don’t want to do it any more. He doesn’t know when I want Him to be dominant and when I don’t.

Because even though we are, at our foundations, Dominant and submissive, it doesn’t mean that we are very good at fulfilling those roles. The personality traits are separate from the roles, and I fight mine quite regularly, which makes things difficult and confusing for Him.

So that’s where we are right now. I guess I’m sort of just waiting for Him to pick the baton back up..and then we will both re-commit to our roles. Then we can figure out rituals and routines and get back to some sort of “normal.”

I will be asking Him about this at our marriage talk today (we have them every Wednesday and Saturday).  And I’ll let you know how it goes.

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