Experience

What can I do for you?

That’s what it’s about, really.

Submission may provide me with quite a bit (freedom, well-being, structure, protection and care), but what have I done for Him lately?

Well, I don’t expect a standing ovation, but I did initiate sex a few days ago (very unlike me). But mainly this month, I have very subtly been laying groundwork. I wouldn’t call this “topping from the bottom” because I’m not being manipulative and I’m not doing things without permission.

As a submissive, I think it’s important to say what I want and need. I’ve asked for more D/s in our daily lives (both in our last counseling session) and during one of our weekly marriage talks). I also managed to get Him to download the Obedience app (though that is as far as it’s gone…I reminded Him last night that we need to spend some time setting it up and figuring out how to best use it). I think that conversation, which we likely won’t have time for until Saturday, will be pretty important. The app asks us to set up rules, limits, habits, rewards, and punishments. We already have precepts and rules, but setting this up will give us a chance to review them together, update them, and attach them to some sort of outcome…which I sort of need.

Because, honestly, if no one is watching, or holding me to it, it’s hard to keep myself motivated. Some people can do it, and while I’m not without internal motivation, external motivation is so much more effective. Exercise is a case in point. If I’m the only one who knows what I’ve planned for myself today, I’m the only one who will know if I decide not to do it. And while I might feel guilty for not doing it, guilt has never really been a great motivator for me – it just leads to self-loathing and can, eventually morph into depression. It’s an ugly cycle, and a common one for a lot of folks.

This past week, He’s seemed a bit detached, and I’m feeling a little deflated, actually. He’s been on His phone a lot, disengaged. He’ll snuggle with me on the couch if I instigate it. He curls around me at night in bed, like usual. But otherwise, nothing.

I guess, in my view, He just doesn’t seem as into it as I am. And maybe that’s the case. It takes a lot of time, commitment, and work for a Dominant, and I’m asking that He take all of that back on. Maybe He’s just mulling it over. I’m not sue, because, honestly, I’ve been afraid to ask Him, or annoy Him with it.

But, once again, all of this is about me…not about Him. So, I’ve been considering that. What about Him? If I realign my focus away from what I need Him to do for me and what I need, and instead consider what He needs and just throw myself into that, I’m likely to get more of what I need as a result, right?

I will bring all of this up at our next marriage talk, though. Because communication is important (duh.).

(Sometimes, my readers probably read what I write and think – seriously? She didn’t already know that? What the hell’s wrong with her? I’m really not stupid…I promise…but sometimes I get lost in my own head and can’t see the forest for the trees.)

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