Submission Saturday

I’ve been putting out a #submission365 post each day since January 1st, on instagram and on twitter (see the sidebar widgets to follow). The point is to choose something I know I need to reflect on, personally. I haven’t been journaling on the topics myself, mainly because I’ve been putting in the time just getting used to this new morning social media routine. But now that I’ve set myself up well, I think daily written reflections are a good idea.

To catch up a bit,  let me select a few of the #submission365 posts from the past few weeks that resonate most deeply with me:

I think some people feel that a Dominant will solve all their problems, which is an unfair and impossible request to make of another person. While a Dominant can guide us in self-improvement and can certainly aid in raising self-esteem, they cannot change our life circumstances. At best, they can advise, if that is part of the dynamic. For example, let’s say you are shit at finances and you are being chased by creditors and owe thousands to the IRS. Your Dom may be able to help you set parameters for better spending habits, and attempt to hold you to them with rewards and consequences. But aside from paying off your debts for you (which is not D/s) your Dominant will not make your financial problems go away.

In my own life, I can apply this concept as it applies to stress and anxiety. My Dominant cannot make my stress and anxiety go away. He can attempt to hold me to behaviors that will control or decrease these feelings.

So it’s an indirect thing. While they cannot solve your problems, they can, if you both agree it is something you want to tackle for your self-improvement, help you to slowly change the behaviors that cause/d your problems.

So, your Dominant cannot make you thin, but they can help you to work out more or eat healthier.

See how that works?

D/s doesn’t solve your problems, but it can make you a better version of yourself over time…a version of yourself that solves your own problems.

I’m a perfectionist, and I have a terrible habit of comparing myself, even if only subconsciously, to others. I’m no different when it comes to submission. It can be hard to read others’ stories of submission, or watch film adaptations, and not measure myself against them…and find myself lacking.

I’m getting better at this, but it does take a lot of reflection and reminders (both from myself and others) to keep in mind that anything we do, including the practice of submission, is a personal journey. All of us are at different places, and it’s not something to be labeled “success” or “failure.” Some days, we show up to life with more energy, and things work more easily. Other days, not so much. But as long as we show up…well, some days that is all we can do. And I think that is the case with submission, too.

I can’t remember where I read or heard it, but some time ago, I came across a comment that was something like, “He chose you and thinks you are beautiful and sexy, so to think otherwise would be disrespecting him by saying that he is wrong.” Yikes. That certainly put it in a whole new light for me.

I also decided, because there is so damned much for me to unpack in Luna Caruthers’ Submissive Reflection, rather than trying to do a chapter per week, as previously planned, I’d rather take my time and do a chapter per month. I feel like I rushed through some topics in my last book-related post, so…I want to slow down a really take some time to reflect. You can stick with me on this and, by all means, if you are reading the book, too, link your posts in the comments so I can see what and how you respond to the content. Learning from each other and sharing our stories is what blogging is all about, at heart.

Currently, I’d count myself back at the beginning. Though we’ve tried before, we’ve never been fully successful with D/s, for a number of reasons. Starting over feels like a reset, and because I know I still have a lot to learn about submission, seeing myself as a novice again is a way to shed the failures of the past. However, those failures can and will definitely present opportunities to learn, and our experiences, both positive and negative, must surely be part of my reflection.


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  • Mrs Fever

    Re: your first point

    I think the idea that [insert THING, here] will solve problems — especially relationship problems — is a bizarre falsehood that so.many.people cling to as being The Answer. Swinging is not going to “save your sex life”; polyamory is not going to magically erase your commitment issues; D/s is not going to “fix” your relationship. (I’m not directing my “your” at *you* personally — it’s the general ‘you’ that I’m talking about.)

    I wish there was some sort of Life Class people could enroll in that would teach the realities of those concepts. Adding [THING] is always, ALWAYS adding complication{s}. Those complications can be navigated, yes. And if the relationship is built on strong foundations, it will withstand the storms those things can bring. But if the relationship is wobbly, those are things that can (and DO — I’ve seen it in all its ugly truth) knock the whole house down.

    [To be clear, I am not disputing anything you said above; I’m just thinking out loud.]
    Mrs Fever recently posted…Whisper on a Scream ~ Music for 2021My Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      I agree…I think that was the point I was making, as well. I have definitely heard of people trying to use D/s or poly or swinging to solve the problems of their relationship, when – as you point out- these things are simply going to add more complications and make the problems at the foundation even more glaringly apparent.

      To add anything to a relationship, the foundation must already be solid.

  • Mary Wood

    If he can participate in a behavior change that ultimately affects the whole situation, then he can indirectly solve the problem. As they say, it would be a desire.

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