Side note: I time block using Google Calendar to plan my days and weeks out in advance, making sure I’ve made room for all the things I have to do and as many of the things I want to do as possible. Something new I am trying this year is to delete activities/events on my digital calendar as I complete them. It leaves me with a blank calendar at the end of the day, and the past is the past. It seriously makes me a little anxious, as I have never done this. I usually catalogue and sort and keep evidence of everything I do. And yet, there is really something a bit freeing about seeing all of the fresh white space left in my wake. It leaves tomorrow to be truly new.
Each week, I am reading a chapter of Submissive Reflection: A Journey of Rediscovery and Affirmation. To be fair to the author, I’m not going to give away all of the article topics and questions, but in order to reflect with purpose and order, I will provide a paraphrased few. If you are following along on this journey, feel free to post a link to your own reflections to topics in chapter one in the comments section.
When did you become aware of your submissive nature? When did you become a submissive?
I’m not sure when I really knew I was “submissive.” It’s much easier to track when I began trying (and failing, due to lack of knowledge and experience to be A submissive).
I can look back on my childhood, teen years, college years, and adult life and see various things that pushed this part of my nature down and then drew it back out. And I can see now that I fought it tooth and nail. That I tried to be so different than I am at my core, which caused a lot of stress and anxiety.
In my childhood household, general submissiveness was considered to be a sign of weakness, unless it was submission to my father, which was expected. He was a hero-type, and I’m sure this is where my desired to be protected by a dominant male figure came from. This is also likely where my expectation that men be dominant and strong came from. Basic psych 101 stuff here.
Then, in my teen years, I began reading Anne Rice’s books and was introduced to D/s, both subtly in her regular novels, and blatantly in her Sleeping Beauty series. (I went back and tried to read these books as and adult and couldn’t make it through the first one…I found it terrible in so many ways. But as a young person, just learning about sexuality, it was an eye-opener, and I devoured them.) I also had a few experiences with boys, that showed me I was drawn to a certain type (the strong, protective type). Most of my experiences were positive, but this particular type of teenage boy, especially back then, could be a little pushy when it came to sexuality. Thankfully, I determined when I lost my virginity (and it was good for what it was), but I gave several blow jobs that I didn’t really want to give, and I found myself in some compromising positions because of my nature to follow a strong male figure.
This continued into college. But as I read more and more erotic literature and watched more and more films, I began to pick out what it was that appealed to me and what didn’t. I started to realize that these things I was feeling and wanting were not abnormal or even rare.
However, it wasn’t until I was married that I had the nerve to ask my lover to be my Dominant. He was already a dominant type and wanted to fill that role (because it was already His nature), which isn’t all that surprising, as it is my nature to seek out men who are more dominant. So, the transition wasn’t that difficult, though it did/has/is taking us quite a bit of time to find our feet as a Dominant/submissive couple.
What type of submissive are you?
I’m not going to go into this here, as I’ve done it elsewhere. But if you’d like to read about that – go HERE.
What weaknesses get in the way of your submission?
We both have certain strengths that make it work and certain weaknesses that get in the way.
As an only-child, I’ve been working my whole life against self-centeredness, perfectionism, and workaholism. Plus, I’m not very adventurous. I like things a certain way and have an aversion to change and things that are new.
What internal/external struggles get in the way of your submission?
We also have years of relationship baggage: sexual problems, marital issues, mental health issues, hormone problems, and a few swinging/poly and D/s failures.
And then there are our internal and external struggles, things that get in the way of us focusing on our D/s relationship. For me, over the years, those internal struggles have included: jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, trust issues, fear of trying new things, and low libido.
Some of our external issues are: work, lack of privacy, and time spent devoted to other responsibilities like family and school.
How strong is your submissive mindset?
It’s important to have a submissive mindset if you’re going to be someone’s submissive, but achieving it and keeping it (for some of us) can be tough. Lots of things get in the way, drawing our attention from submission. One of the activities for this chapter asked us to rate ourselves in several categories. While I was middle of the road on most of them, a few were low, which pinpoints where I need to work the hardest:
I am an amazing sub to my Dom.
I feel happy with my level of submission.
There were also a few where I rated myself pretty high:
Happiness in submission can be achieved.
I constantly look for ways to grow.
I respect myself.
Are you drawn to proactive, reactive, or anticipatory service?
Just recently, when Mr. D and I sort of rehashed our love languages, we both realized that our languages have changed over time. His once seemed to be more physical touch but has become more acts of service. This wouldn’t be a problem, but after completing one of the exercises in this chapter, I realized a few things. First off, I am more reactive when it comes to service. I wait until I am told what to do. That’s not a bad thing, unless your Dom expects you to anticipate their needs and wants and be more proactive (which mind does, of course).
So, I thought on this for a day or two.
At first, I wanted to make it His fault (because I tend to pass the blame when things make me anxious, which this does). I wanted to point out that He wants me to follow, but he doesn’t give me a lot of daily guidance, which leaves me floundering to figure it out myself.
But as time for reflection often does, it provided me with time to see my own part in the problem. I went back and review our rules, and realized that He’s actually been quite explicit in what he expects. I’m just not living up to my end of the bargain. So, I downloaded the Love Nudge app (which is the Love Languages tracking app), and I plugged in the actions I’m not so good at keeping up with. This way, I can track them. Over a two week time, I found that I’m the worst at following through on acts of service, His actual love language. Sigh. But, hey, that’s learning, right? I found out where I’m weakest and where I need to grow.
He’s definitely doing a better job recently of speaking my love language(s). But, I could use a little more daily “Domming” from Him, just to keep my head in the game. Our little ritual of me taking His boots off when He comes home from work isn’t quite enough for me, so I’ll be talking to Him about that this week during one of our marriage talks.
When you think about your ideal vision of submission, what worries you most about pursuing it?
Failure. Disappointing Him. That it won’t fulfill me the way I think/hope it will. That I’m not good enough. That He’ll move too fast and take me places I don’t want to go. That He won’t read me correctly.
Psych 101 again…there are my weaknesses popping up to ruin things again – fear, feelings of inadequacy, imposter syndrome, anxiety, lack of trust.
And I suppose I have to do the same thing with these worries that I do everything else. Breathe in. Breathe out. And let them all go. Yeah, I know, easier said than done…but like any practice, it’s an ongoing journey. This is a way of life, not an event. It’s something I can get better at with time, and I have someone whom I can grow with, who also isn’t perfect. That’s the thing about relationships. We don’t have to have it down right out of the gate. We can listen and observe and talk and feel our way through experiences that lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves, our lover(s), and “us.”
That’s the road I’ve been on for 15 years…and the road I look forward to being on for many more. 2020 is a year that saw us unravel a bit, but rather than disintegrate or give up, we found a sex therapist and have dedicated ourselves to finding our sweet spot. D/s is a big part of that, so working on my submission is imperative right now.
As part of this, I’ve started a new daily meditation on twitter and instagram: #submission365. Check the widgets in the sidebar (if you are on a PC or tablet) or at the bottom of the page (if you are on mobile) for links to follow these.
Some related posts: