Experience

Seeking Perfection vs. Creating a Vision

I’m not a natural submissive.

While I am more submissive than I am dominant, and I do like the power dynamic of Him being in charge and me following, I can honestly say it does not come naturally to me.

I have to work at it.

I used to feel guilty about that…like I was somehow defective in this regard. I also assumed at several points, that I probably would never really be able to enjoy a D/s relationship because of it.

The thing is, though, we can create the life we want, and we can become the people we want to be.

Sure it might take a bit more work for some of us, given our natural proclivities and personality traits. But very little is impossible if we set our minds to it and want it bad enough.

I’m not going to say that if I want to be a cheetah, and I set my mind to it, I can actually become a cheetah. It’s not like that. I realize there are some changes, both physical and mental that are not possible.

For me, I have to consider my place daily. And it’s easy to fall out of a submissive mindset if I’m not actively engaged or if He isn’t actively giving me instruction or wielding expectations. Because of this, some might say that I’m not really a submissive. And for all intents and purposes, I’m not. Not for anyone other than Him.

But, my emotional and mental state, when things are working for us in the D/s arena, are so much more stable and balanced that I know it is natural for us.

Because of this, I can’t waste my time looking for the perfect submission in myself. I have to create it.

Again…some might say that makes it less authentic, because I am crafting it and it doesn’t naturally bubble up from my depths. But the thing is, the essence of it does. And the desire for it does. So, I know that it is a need and that when that need is met, I am a better version of myself with Him.


Likewise, with my marriage. We’ve certainly had our struggles. We aren’t naturally perfect as a couple. We have to work at it and talk about what we want our relationship to be and then put in the time to bend it and shape it into being that thing we both want.

Quite honestly, I think that is how all relationships are, really.

And the concept that anything is perfect out the gate is a dangerous lie that a very large majority of us have been sold.

That’s why we are in therapy right now. I’d say our therapist is less “therapist” and more “guide.” Someone who can help us pinpoint what is important to us and help us create a shared vision of who we want to be as a sexual unit.

D/s is foundation in that vision. And I’d say that much like me, while dominance is His essence, being a Dominant does not come naturally to Him. He also must work at it.

It takes a lot of introspection and a lot of communication. But, that is the road we are on this year.

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