I realized that while I was in control, I was unhappy. I didn’t like being a nag. I didn’t want to have to make all the decisions in a relationship, but I did want a voice. I wanted to feel cared for and respected. I also needed to be vulnerable.
I struggle with control.
In my daily life, I often find myself fighting to maintain it (of myself and over others). And while I often see it as a necessary part of what I do at work, it exhausts me.
It’s difficult to let go of that need to control things, though. Like when you are stuck in one position for a long time, and it’s hard to get your muscles to readjust.
And while neither control or submission come easily or naturally for me (I’m not sure what that says about my natural state of being), I spend more time in a position of control: managing, leading, supervising, guiding, providing feedback. At the end of my work day, I’ve spent so much time leading, controlling, and managing my own activities, that it’s hard switch gears.
I want to though.
When I manage to let go of control, it’s like the feeling after a major stretch. When my muscles stop grabbing and the tension releases. It’s like a big sigh, or being tightly held when I’m spinning out of control.
I’d like to come up with ways to plant that feeling throughout my day.
Part of my problem is I’m not good about taking breaks. I hyperfocus and overwork, often putting too much time into things that matter less because my brain grabs hold of certain mental activities and won’t let them go (planning, organizing, data analysis, project creation). Even when I walk away from that work, my brain tends to stay engaged in it.
Meditation is a likely candidate. Movement. Mindfulness activities.
The more easily I can shut off the control button during the day, the more easily I will be able to shift gears when I get home.
Of course, rituals and routines can also help. Doing things that release tension and disengage my mind, helping to release my death grip on the day, are necessary. I have a terrible habit of walking in the door and immediately jumping on chores, which usually just dampens my mood. I’ve adjusted my schedule to push a workout into that slot instead. If I follow that with a shower and comfy clothes, there is a clear delineation between day and evening.
We’ve also just downloaded an app called Obedience. We haven’t set it up yet, but it tracks habits and sets up a system of rewards and punishments. While we definitely have a checkered past with punishment, I’m intrigued by what this might do to keep my mind on our D/s relationship throughout the day.
My mind works in a very compartmentalized way. When I am doing one thing in one capacity of my life, it’s hard for me to focus on or let in any other part of my life. I have to switch mental gears, and that isn’t always easy for me. Learning to do that better would be good for me, I think. I suspect that having “invasions” of my D/s life would be briefly liberating…like stretches or exhales…interruptions to my hyperfocus.
I do sometimes have trouble getting back on track after interruptions. While not clinically diagnosed, I suspect ADD. So, these mental stretches might help me in more ways than one.
Being interrupted and told to do something can elicit feelings of irritation, which is something I need to work on as a submissive. I rarely say no to a directive, however irritated I may be; however. And when called to accept a consequence, I may pout and be angry about it, but I give myself up for it, anyway. These are emotions I also need to work on, as a submissive.
I’m not sure exactly how we He plans to use the app. But, I do look forward to a little more direction and control from His end, and this tool looks promising.
I know I’m not the only submissive who has a demanding career during the day and multiple obligations that put us in the control seat most of them time. What do you (or your Dominant) do to help make the switch? Do you find it easy or difficult?