I’ve done it before…and it didn’t have much of an impact, but I’m trying it again, years later, and I’m hoping for a different outcome (is this the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results?).
Yesterday, I went to the gynecologist suggested by our sex therapist, who seems to think getting my hormones under control and getting me off Prozac is going to bring my libido back. The problem is, I only just started taking Prozac (a super low dose) in September. Which really means, that’s not the problem. And the gynecologist didn’t seem to think that was having any impact at all, since I still have the ability to climax, and orgasms still feel just fine (I didn’t know Prozac had the ability to mess with this, but apparently it does).
She suggested using Addyi, but since it’s a drug meant to improve libido (a luxury drug), it’s not covered by insurance, and we’d have to pay $100 out of pocket each month. Also, she didn’t feel that I had any type of sexual disfunction that would require its use yet. Still…much like Viagra, it’s an option down the road, if necessary.
And while we wait for my testosterone level results, she put me on progesterone and estrogen. Her claim is that progesterone will decrease my anxiety and help me sleep, while the estrogen will help with my new, fabulous hot flashes. However, neither are really intended to help my libido.
Basically, she didn’t tell me anything new. “It’s both an effect of a long-term relationship, and age, libido simply naturally decreases for women.” She also said that, “Most women I talk to aren’t going to just naturally want sex, but if they are prompted, they’re into it.” Her most disturbing analogy was, “You have to think about sex like exercise. You may not want to do it at first, but you get something out of it, so it’s worth pursuing.” Ouch. That’s not very sexy.
I told her my Husband wasn’t going to like hearing all of what she told me, because basically she was repeating what every other doctor had said, that this libido issue is just natural, and there’s not a whole helluva lot one can do about it…that I’m just going to have to work at it, and put the effort in because He needs it and wants it, not because my body naturally feels the need for it or wants it all the time.
She said, “Maybe He needs to hear it from someone else.” But honestly, who would tell Him, and how would it make things any easier or better? I mean, seriously, I told Him over the phone after the appointment, and I could feel His body deflate with disappointment through the phone.
So here’s what frustrates me…
Every doctor says the same thing, so it’s probably true.
My Husband wants it to not be true because my lack of desire fucks with his sense of well being.
And I’m stuck in the middle of that. I can’t live up to what my husband wants and needs (so I feel guilty), but, according to what I’m being told, my body just can’t live up to what he wants and needs.
So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with prioritizing our sex life and working for it because He needs it, and when His needs are met in that way, it brings us closer. Likewise, when my needs are met in the ways that I need them met, it brings us closer. And it means that He has to accept that. If I’m working for it and initiating occasionally, that has to be enough.
There’s no magic pill. There’s no special libido fairy dust. There’s simply making sure I don’t lose the libido I already have, and doing the things I know already work to keep it up: getting plenty of sleep, exercising, keeping my diet healthy, having sex (because that actually does make me want more), keeping my stress at bay, getting some quality time with my Husband, reading and watching things that keep my head in the game…
Sometimes there’s something to be said for just accepting yourself the way you are. Not trying to live up to anyone’s expectation. I realize we are a D/s couple, and as a submissive, I’m supposed to do what He says, but if I can’t do what He says, then, well…He’s going to have to re-evaluate what He’s asking me to do. Simply saying, “Want me,” isn’t going to get us anywhere. But actions that make Him feel wanted? Those things I can do. And they won’t be done hollowly. They’ll be done with love and respect, because our connection is important.
It’s a shift in perspective, really…not the end of the world.
It’s important to note that my desire is not all dried up and gone. There are days and weeks that my desire is still high. It’s just not consistent, and I can’t tie it to one or another thing completely. Surely my mental health affects it, and no doubt the state of our relationship has something to do with it. At times of great stress, it disappears, and when I am tired, ill, or having a self-esteem or body image issues, it takes a vacation. But it’s not gone. And I don’t have other reproductive health issues causing trouble.