It’s always good to reassess your goals, and this is usually the time of year a fair lot of us begin this process…in preparation for the new year.
This has been, for the most part, a fairly unlikable year, and, as stated in earlier posts, it has led our marriage right into a dark pothole…one we seem to keep running into.
We’re fine. Don’t worry. Sometimes hitting a pothole on a crappy road reminds you to either drive more carefully, find a new road, or get out a fix the damn potholes.
Our method du jour is sex therapy, which is going well. And as such, it has reminded us, without much help from the therapist (since he has a busy making “love maps” and filling out “mood logs” to get to the core of our relationship), how much we both need and want D/s. However, having let our practices lapse, it gives us the opportunity to sort of reinvent who we are as Dom/sub.
As always, because we are married, and because we fulfill pretty traditional geder roles within our marriage, our D/s is what I would classify as 24/7. This is not because we practice any sort of actual D/s every hour or every day. It’s because I pretty much always defer to him as the head of our household, and I treat him as such. He is the leader and protector. I work beside him to parent, provide, and run the household. But I usually make decisions about the house and deal with our son’s education and activities, while he does the finances and plans for our future.
We have a pretty good system.
But, as I mentioned in my last post, I want to be more active about my submission.
I’m learning (and accepting) that I may be a much more submissive person than I once thought, or was willing to admit. And I’m finding that the more I embrace my submissiveness, the better off I and everyone around me will probably be.
I’ve been reflecting quite a bit about why I have found it so hard to embrace submissiveness outside of our marriage, and honestly…I think it is because I have always viewed submissiveness as a negative quality. Sort of like submissive = less than or weak.
This is a damaging thought process, because it has kept me from owning a part of myself outside of my romantic and sexual relationships.
It’s easy to pinpoint where it comes from. I’m and only child, and my father was a career military man. I was both raised to be the boy he never had and the daughter he could be proud of – assertive, strong, and self-sufficient.
When I moved out into the world, I found it difficult to separate the concepts vulnerability from weakness. And when I found D/s, I found it difficult to separate submissiveness from weakness. I saw this quality in myself, but I didn’t understand its strength or how submissives can be equal to their Dominant.
My husband adores and respects me as a human, as a mother, and as a professional. He does not see me as ever being beneath him or behind him. I am an equal partner in this life we have made.
But we both have base needs. Deep emotional longings that seem ancient and primal. We are the co-leaders of our pack, the king and queen of kingdom. But I choose to give him something of myself that not everyone has or needs to give. And he chooses to accept it, because he needs it as much as I do. The act of offering that submission and accepting it is what defines our roles in this marriage. And it is why I spend so much time contemplating it.
I want to be his submissive partner, because we are better versions of ourselves as Dom/sub.
The olive branches are being extended on a regular basis as we both dip our toes in the water, gauging how welcoming it will be. He spanks my ass and waits for my reaction, throws a “good girl” into the air to see if I will catch it. And I have begun wearing my sexier under things, sending him texts to see if he needs or wants anything.
My next plan is to review our past rules and determine how best to fulfill those requirements…to return to my obligations without being asked to and before he has a chance to bring it up.
It’s all about active submission, and it’s my main relationship goal for 2021.
Recently, I’ve had a few readers approach me about how they could begin a D/s relationship. I’d say it similar to returning to one. You have to really know you want it. You have to investigate why you want it, what you expect from it, and how you plan to both give and receive in your role. If you already have a counterpart in mind, the next step is testing for their interest and letting them in on your desire.
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