So I’ve been trying to improve my active submission this week. I’ve been lighting a candle when I get home in an effort to transition my brain from work day to home life (and, in effect, my role as sub). I’ll continue to hone this transitional ritual.
After reflecting on my submissive identity, I also asked Mr. D if I could return to removing His boots when He gets home from work, which He seemed quite pleased with. It’s been a long time since I did this, and simply asking if I could do it was a step, since I’m terrible at asking for things that I want. I’m not sure why I worry about it, because I’m certain His reaction will be positive. I have strange, unfounded hang-ups when it comes to requesting anything having to do with sex or D/s…which probably has everything to with my difficulties surrounding vulnerability. There is some sort of underlying fear of being rejected or seeming foolish, even though He has never rejected me, and actually wants me to ask for things. I suppose it’s a process, and that is why vulnerability is one of my main focus for 2021.
In the spirit of vulnerability, I asked (actually I texted, cause I’m a chicken) Him what He needed most as a Dominant, and his response was that I learn how to follow better, without question, and that I ask for what I want when I want it. He always, of course, has the power of denial, which I really need to learn to discern from rejection, so this will likely be a challenge for me. But…I’m all in, and therefore I’m going to have to learn to work through this.
I reviewed my D/s rules, too. They’ve sort of been sitting up there in the corner, eyeing me and judging me for some time. To my surprise, even when we are off the mark, we aren’t too far from it. I guess that is the effect of being D/s at our foundation. Even when we are lost, we aren’t too far from our path.
It may not seem like much has changed, but things are better. He even asked me to consider if I’d ever be willing to try swinging again. While there were some negative experiences when we tried this last, there were also some very positive ones…namely that it brought us closer together. I told Him I would consider it, and then let Him know I was willing to try again if He…and then I stopped right there. I TRUST him. That means with everything. He has my best interests at heart and knows what I need. So I embraces the “Live and Let Him” mantra seep under my skin. I breathed out my anxieties…and it felt good.
I live life on a daily basis…clenched. Submission, for me, is about letting go.
2020 has pretty much sucked in most ways, but as I move toward 2021, and gain my footing amidst my goals and vision for the coming months, a few words and phrases are beginning to surface: being vulnerable, letting go, breathing deeply, trusting my universe, giving, embracing my submission, being mindful, and finding simplicity among the clutter.