Erotic Bedtime Stories podcast, Fiction

Elves on the Shelf (a Euph-off Christmas Edition tale)

It’s been awhile since I wrote a short story, so it only makes perfect sense that my first story in months be absolutely terrible…on purpose! Takes a bit of the pressure off, eh?

Anyhow, as I considered what I might write for the #EuphOff Christmas Edition, I couldn’t stop thinking about those naughty little elves on the shelf. There are a lot of reasons I don’t have one in my house. Not only do I find them a touch creepy, I also know my husband and son would have entirely too much fun putting it in compromising situations.

So, without further ado…

“Oh, Gustave! Fuck me harder!” Sparkle flipped her glitter-dusted, snow-white hair, looking over her back, giggling at Gustave’s pinched expression, as he pounded her tiny, wiggling, elven behind.

From the shelf across the room, the Nutcracker gawped at them, his normally rigid jaw now slack, teeth exposed and fists clenched in open frustration. “Why must you always do that in the open? You could at least hide behind the presents. Besides, they’ve only just turned out the lights! Aren’t you afraid of being caught?!! The children would be horrified! Traumatized forever!”

“Oh, quit being so dramatic,” said the Snowman on the table by the fireplace. “They’re young and in love! It’s inspiring…and quite titillating, actually.”

“You’re a pervert, Snow,” hissed the cat, who curled beneath the vibrating shelf upon which the two elves undulated against each other, making the beast with two backs like two mice in heat, their little noses twitching with each hungry pump of their delicate hips.

“Everyone hush! I’m so close, and you’re interrupting my rhythm!” Gus spat at his heckling audience.

“Oh! I can help!” Sparkle, ever the helpful little elf, began to “parapapampam, parapapampam,” and Gus’s eyes lit up like the tree!

“Oh, yes! The drums! Those always get me going! Sing it, Spark!”

Gus wrapped his hands around Sparkle’s hips and pulled her toward him, over and over, his tiny butt cheeks pinching together with each thrust.

“Oh…oh…ohhhhhhhhhh….!!!” Gus held his breath and came, grunting and gasping…at which point the hallway light came on, and footsteps could be heard moving closer, and louder.

“Oh, shit!” Sparkle scrambled to her feet and grabbed hold of the ribbon she’d left hanging from her own shelf. She wriggled up it, her flushed behind exposed, and Gus’s hot chocolate cum still dribbling down the inside of her thigh.

Gus fumbled with the front of his breeches, careful not to catch his still throbbing cock in the zipper.

The light in the living room came on, and everyone froze. Sparkle still hung from the ribbon, her legs wrapped around it like the stripes on a candy cane. And Gus held his breath, eyes wide, mouth open in a silent “O,” as if in mid-lyric with the choir.

Emily’s eyes scanned the room, brow furrowed in suspicion. Those damned kids had been putting those elves in lewd positions every night since she’d put them out, and she was hell-bent on catching them in the act, as they’d dramatically denied it, promising they had nothing to do with it.

“We’re as shocked as you, mom!” they’d whined each time. In fact, they’d had the audacity to blame her and their father! Good God, can you imagine?!

“Hrmphh. I’ll catch you little bastards one of these nights….teenagers….” she mumbled, as she turned off the light and padded back to her bed.

Gus winked up at Sparkle, “We’re getting quicker, Spark!”

“Yep, Gus…we are…” and she blew him a caramel-scented kiss. Her eyes shining like the tinsel on the tree.


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By Brigit Delaney

Welcome to my little corner of the internet! I am a blogger, poet, photographer, and writer of erotica, living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I'm glad you came. Sit back, kick off your shoes, and stay awhile.

6 comments

    1. Haha! Right? I will never look at an Elf on the Shelf in the same way now that I’ve con”cock”ted this image.

  1. Loved it! Had me chuckling as I was thinking about how the kids go looking for the mischievous elves every morning. I especially liked his dripping hot chocolate cum down her legs….

    1. Thanks, David. This was fun to write, since I was not under pressure to write something “good.” The whole point was to write something terrible.

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