There are many types of submission, and while I have a fairly good idea of what type/brand works best for me, there are also two styles: active and passive. Active submission entails acting/serving before one is asked to do anything. The submissive “actively” seeks out ways to serve their Dominant. Passive submission entails waiting for instruction and only doing/serving when and how one is told. Neither style is better than the other, and there are probably times and places where each is more appropriate. The relationship often determines the style that is expected.
For me, passive submission is easiest. But, it also means our D/s relationship falls apart. If I wait for Him to tell me what to do, I’ll probably be waiting around forever. He’s great about it when it comes to getting him a drink or doing something he wants in bed, and he was quite active in creating our contract (which eventually just became a list of precepts and rules), but for the day-to-day? No. I’m finding out through experiences, he’s more of a passive Dominant. His dominant nature just is. He doesn’t thrust it upon me or make a show of it, though I’m drawn to it like a crow to a piece of tinsel. The problem here is, I’m not sure it works if both people are passive. Either one person must be active and the other passive, or both people must be active (which, I honestly think is the best possible configuration).
So, I thought about this a bit. Though my initial reaction is to say I’m neither a submissive personality or an active submissive, upon further reflection, I think I may actually be a bit of both.
My job requires me to lead a good part of my day. I guide, mentor, instruct, tell people what to do. However, I am daily in the service of others. It’s the nature of education. It’s what I do, I serve other people’s needs constantly – anticipating what they need, even when they have no idea what it is yet. I provide emotional and academic support, I cheerlead, I investigate interests and try to incorporate them into what I offer them, I listen, I empathize. My whole world revolves around providing for others (sometimes, even when they don’t want what I provide).
I’m not as good at doing this when I get home, and I think it’s because I’m emotionally spent. This is the possible downside of being an active submissive…emptying one’s reserves.
My goal is to bring that active submission home and to save some of that energy for him. Just the other day, I set out to wash all of my pretty under things and go back to wearing them (instead of my comfy, not so sexy sports bras and cotton hipsters) during the work week, at least. This accomplishes a few goals: it reminds me of my submission (because I’m doing it for him), it makes me feel sexier (even if nobody else can see them), and it makes him happy when he sees them.
Just last night, as I stripped off my t-shirt, he came in for a kiss, set his hands against the lace of my bra, and said, “Mmmmm….it’s been awhile since you wore something like this.” Just his reaction was reward enough to encourage me to continue this practice. While it seemed such a small thing, it is an example of active submission – foreseeing the needs/wants of the other person and fulfilling them before they ask.
I need to practice active submission in more ways that this, but the under things were a good start, and I received immediate gratification…not that a reward should be the reason to act. However…when his reaction is the reward, I think that’s okay.
Next up…the sexy lingerie bin! He loves it when I dress up in something super sexy – like a fishnet bodysuit or a tiny, revealing costume of some sort. I don’t do it nearly enough. Mainly, right now, that’s because we rarely have any lengthy privacy. But, I have plans for this.
Our D/s (which is normally some version of 24/7 – simply by virtue of our traditional roles and expectations of one another) has pretty much fallen apart during this fucking pandemic.
It is my charge, as an active submissive, to slowly bring it back to life…one rule at a time.
Here’s a good related article from SubmissiveGuide.com – Active Submission Means Always Improving Yourself