I’m sort of like a feral cat when it comes to new sexual experiences. I have to be lured, convinced, prodded, bribed. But then, I’m sort of hard-wired to be suspicious of change and newness in all regards. I’m a fan of comfort, planning, and knowing what to expect (which is why we both get so bored in the bedroom and why our sex life has become so dull).
That’s not to say that I don’t love a surprise from time to time. Presents are lovely. But a surprise party? Nope. That would do this introvert in. Surprising me with a multi-partner sexual experience? Terror. Putting me in any new sexual experience without plenty of time to process it beforehand? Possible mental and emotional trauma.
And it seems sort of nuts, given my propensity for writing erotica. I make a hobby of exploring fantasies and bringing them to life on paper. But paper is safe. And I control what happens there…with as much time to consider the outcomes as I want.
In real life, I guess I spend too much time fearing outcomes and not enough time just being in the moment and letting myself go to enjoy an experience.
Even after 15 years, there are certain sexual activities that still make me nervous. Adding other people to the mix, is one. I have all sorts of fears attached to swinging and polyamory. (Processing Emotions about Polyamory was one of my most popular posts.
Masturbating for an audience is another one that makes me uncomfortable. Actually, being on display, sexually, in any regard makes me want to shrink into myself and disappear…unless it is anonymous, and I have control over it (i.e. the photos I share here and on twitter).
Now that I think about, in all of these situations, I think what it really comes down to is that I fear intimacy and vulnerability.
There’s a discovery.
Ummm…Ima need to go process that for a minute.
So, yeah. I think my biggest sexual fear is being vulnerable…which is why I cling to control…which is obviously what has kept our D/s from really ever getting off the ground.
It comes down to trust. In a D/s relationship, a submissive has to trust the Dominant completely.
It’s easy to say I trust. But when I really start to delve and be honest, I can see that I don’t. He’s put me in enough positions over the years that have turned out wrong. He hasn’t meant to. And to be fair, I didn’t communicate well. Shit just happened. All of that has added up over the years, and now I’m a little battle-scarred. Actually, we both are. And we both feel guilty for our part in it.
So as we begin our sexual healing (now that we have a better guide), these things are at the center of it. This is the place we have to go to “fix things.” We have to pull apart these past events, explore how and why we did what we did, and forgive each other for our mistakes.
Only once that trust is re-established (or maybe established for the first time), can we become truly vulnerable to one another.
And that is the ultimate goal.