It’s been awhile since I shared an image. I haven’t been pleased with what I see in the mirror lately…for more than one reason. I also haven’t felt terribly sexy or sensual. Mostly, my life has been sports bras and functional, comfortable cotton. I haven’t shaved or buffed or scrubbed or polished. I’ve showered, and worked, and escaped into TV and books, and slept. It’s about all I can manage.

Sometimes, depression sneaks up on me like this. I’m so good at compartmentalizing and functioning on autopilot that I don’t realize the monster has taken me until I find myself in bed at noon on a Saturday, unable to muster the energy to do anything.

It’s not black and white. It’s a whole spectrum of hazy gray, muting everything that matters down to a manageable darkness. And that’s where I’ve been living for some time now…down in a hole, feeling shitty about my non-existent sex drive, worrying that it will never return, swallowing the guilt over how this is affecting my partner.

And the more hurt and angry he becomes, the further I recede. The more gray and fuzzy it becomes. Like I’m going blind and cannot see the color any more.

But this is still here…this body with all of its feelings and needs is still here. The curves waiting for the trace of a fingertip, the warmth of breath, the soft touch of two lips upon downy skin.

13 Replies to “Without Color”

  1. I read your comment on the right, so I don’t to start dishing out pity or guidance <3
    But I did want to say that it is helpful when someone like you writes honestly. I have been trying to be more open in my own posts, because I am a big believer that most of us have ups and downs and loop-the-loops. We are not all living in a world of romance and erotica 24/7, so I want to make sure that my erotica posts are balanced with real life.

    I always start to worry at this time of year because the dark and cold make my moods plummet.
    Plus this year has been freakin' weird. I don't think I can do what I normally do to cheer myself up. Ben and me can go for a drink or meal together, but we can't meet friends for a meal. I am already trying to think of some other quick fixes that will keep my chin up over the coming weeks and months. Part of my just wants to hibernate in a cave.

    1. Thanks, Jenna. I think that whole honesty bit is what has me writing about this. After my husband said he wasn’t reading my site anymore, it sort of gave me the freedom I needed to just let loose the storm and write, not only for myself, but for others. I hope, indeed, that bareing my truth will unleash something positive.

  2. This is a gorgeous image Brigit and I hope the fact that you were able to share it means that you are still able to see the sexy woman you are (even if your glimpse is grey). I am sorry that you are feeling this way and hope that your colour returns soon. You are so vibrant and you have so much to share. Thank you as always for your honesty and openness in showing this as they are. That takes strength. Missy x

    1. Thanks, Missy. Honesty is always at the heart of what I write. I am always striving to open up just a little bit more, because I appreciate it when others do. Vulnerability in life is hard for me, so I seek it here, where it somehow feels a bit more safe.

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