I think we all aspire to be better versions of ourselves. Sometimes we even try to reinvent ourselves from the ground up, disregarding the good that was already there in hopes that we’ll become something more acceptable…more loveable…someone who could belong.
Me…I choose a set of words at the end of December, as I am establishing my goals for the new year.
These words are what are termed my “core desired feelings.” They are my goal feelings, and they help me to plan my actions and schedule. Looking at that list of feelings every day, I can ask myself, am I doing anything to help me feel this way? Is my schedule aligned with how I want to feel? Will my actions help me achieve the feelings I want to feel?
For example, my CDFs are: mindful, balanced, connected, and I just added vulnerable.
It’s one small way to prioritize and be mindful on a regular basis.
When I established my themes for the Erotic Journal Challenge this year, I chose words that I, personally, wanted to feel more often, as a way to help me focus on them a bit more during the year.
Some have gone well. Others not so much. Some, I found, I couldn’t even write about.
This month is one of them.
This month’s theme is “mischievous.” And I chose it specifically for the season and because it is something I rarely feel that my husband wishes I would feel.
Because trying to BE mischievous without feeling mischievous is a recipe for failure.
I’ve done okay with it a few times over the course of our marriage. But those times are so few and far between that they stand out like beacons across the years of memories.
Once, I met him at the door in nothing but an apron, heels, and a pearl necklace. I’d cooked him dinner. And he loved it. Of course.
I took dozens of naked photos and gave them to him when we first met. At the time, it was impressively mischievous. Not in the sense that I was trying to cause trouble…but I was intending to start something.
I went out of my way to be naughty. A few times. And he loved it.
But I’m coming to the rather unsettling conclusion that I’m just not a naughty or mischievous person.
And while that is absolutely okay for me, it’s not okay for him. Remember that quote I shared a few days ago? The one my young student shared in class…that has somehow forced itself into my soul and found a little resting place there:
Love a person the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love. It’s not about you. Love is selfless not selfish.
We shouldn’t change ourselves to accommodate others. I say that, knowing full well that most of us do it, at least to a degree, to belong (and to fulfill responsibilities and obligations). Because belonging is a human need so deep we are willing to override our own identities to achieve it.
We shouldn’t change ourselves, like full on alter our beings and deny our truth to be with others, but growing and opening ourselves up to new experiences? That is the kind of change that makes us better people, AND it allows us to understand other’s experiences better and to connect more fully. It opens us to empathy.
In fact, it’s one of the underlying reasons I am drawn to D/s. It puts him in the driver’s seat, pulling me into his world. He has to show me and tell me what he wants, and I “have no choice” but to oblige.
I don’t have to be naughty or mischievous, I only have to be obedient…and that comes naturally.
I am not one who naturally seeks mischief. Being naughty is something that has to be drawn out of me. I can do it for another, but when I do it, it often feels freeing. Maybe that is only because I know I am pleasing him when I do it…but still.
That’s why I need him. He is the yang to my yin. He takes me places I would otherwise not go. And while not all of those experiences or feelings have been good or successful, they have created the rich and messy tapestry that is our shared past…as husband and wife, as friends, and as lovers.