My desire to masturbate, or not, is a fairly reliable indicator of the status of my libido. Honestly, my desire to write, or not, is just as much so. You can pretty gaurantee that if I’m writing, I’m feeling it…or at least on the brink.
But masturbation, like writing, at least for me, involves work…and commitment. At least to get started. Staring at a blank page is much like staring at my toys considering what to write or how to touch myself.
What will work? Where do I want to go with this? Am I writing just to “get it out of my system,” or am I trying to create a specific feeling…and particular outcome.
Is it process oriented? Or product oriented? Am I sharing it with an audience…or is it just for me?
For the past few months, my creativity and libido (always braided tightly together) have been in flux…hibernating. but, they’ve poked their heads out this past week (as evidenced by the number of posts I have published).
I’ve posted a few pics on twitter…opened up on my blog, and while I haven’t yet pleasured myself yet, I’ve felt the twitch of desire.
Yes…self care takes work…but it is also the thing that brings me pleasure and mental balance.
Much like the chicken and egg, I’m not sure which comes first, the need to write or the need to feel pleasure…to give pleasure. Sometimes it’s one…sometimes it is the other.
Regardless, though, it is an awakening. And so I suppose it doesn’t really matter, as long as my eyes begin to open, my body begins to respond: fingers on the keyboard dance in the same ways as they move across flesh…sometimes furious and hungry, sometimes slowly…methodically…with purpose.
Today, I have written.
Today, I will touch myself.
Today, I will touch him.
And tomorrow, I will write about.
The work comes in keeping that cycle going for as long as I can.
This week’s quote:
“Wanking is only two letters away from working!” – Amy Norton