No long term relationship is the same. Some are easier than others, but just because a relationship is “difficult” does not make it wrong.
Every relationship has its own languages, both verbal and non, and what works for one may not work for another.
It is easy to judge from the outside…and so difficult to explain from the inside to someone not directly involved.
And yet I try to translate my experience, not only to make sense of it for you, but for myself, as well. Because if I can make you understand even the smallest piece of my experience, it provides me a stronger grasp of my own.
I think that is part of the benefit of writing for an audience.
Of course, it isn’t easy. Given that the thousands of little moments which have created my marriage are so blended together I couldn’t hope to provide you the same deep, unspeakable closeness that I have to it.
But I try…and mainly fail.
I know my posts have been dark lately, and they will likely not find light for awhile.
We are one of those couples who spend a lot of time running uphill…not so much because we crave the challenge, but because we are so different in our levels of need and desire.
It doesn’t mean we have nothing in common, but we have certainly grown apart, and right now, as has happened before, we have decisions to make.
To stay or go.
To work or give up.
To reconnect or separate.
One thing that is not a decision is whether or not to love. And it is from that foundation we will evolve, one way or the other.
Our evenings like roller coasters. He usually starts out positive. For example, last night he held my hand and looked deep into my eyes, “We’ll get through this, like we always do, right?” And I said, “Yes.”
He asked if he should go back on the testosterone, both of us knowing that this means his desire will increase and my encouragement would mean I was committing to meeting him there. As worried as I am about my ability to do so, I still told him he should.
But the whiskey drowned his optimism, and by time he was wrapped around me in bed, his hand on my breast, his tone had changed, “We’re bad for each other.” I responded, “If your really believe that, you should probably let go.”
But that’s what it all comes to…neither of us have ever been able to do that.
It’s a little bit fear, I’m sure. But some people are just that connected, I believe. Even if we hurt each other. Even if we don’t always make each other happy.
When we work, we work so well. But when we fall off the tracks, it is so damned hard to find our way back. It’s as if we have both fallen into a deep hole, and we can’t get out.
I’m not sure where we are headed. But I’ve always had the gut feeling that we would make it…no matter what.
Some people are light…we are dark, but in the darkness we find solace…in each other.