Last night I yawned, and stretched, and he reached over, tweaked my nipple and ruined my stretch. We both laughed…because it’s an inside joke…something he always does (or used to, when we were okay).
The night before, he smacked my ass with a wooden spoon (the one he uses to itch beneath his cast) when I got up to refill my drink. Later he mentioned how good it felt to spank me…even if it was just a playful swat in the company of others during the course of our normal family evening. Those little sexual undercurrents that infuse themselves into daily activities are the heartbeat of a thriving sex life.
He’s watched me undress. I’ve slept naked (a certain olive branch).
And last night he asked me to jiggle my tits for him before I went to bed. I did. Three times. A silly gesture, but one that has always brought him great joy…not only because I’m doing his bidding, but also because he knows it makes me a but uncomfortable and because he finds watching my body move in that way arousing as hell.
Sometime in the night, he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed enough to waked me, his words in my ear, “I want you so bad.”
Theses all may seem like small changes. But really, they are signs of normalcy and balance for us.
His mood has been better, and last night, rather than drag me into yet another tearful, whiskey-laden conversation about why we aren’t having sex, he offered, “I know you haven’t much liked the person I’ve been these past few months, and neither have I.”
Of course, there was more to it than that, but it felt like a pressure cooker being released.
Physical contact, sexual comments, nakedness, spooning in bed.
We are finding our way back to normal.
And honestly, I hope we can make normal better this time. We both have work to do to make that happen, but I believe it can.
Yesterday, I gave my students a challenge to share a quote about selflessness. One of my girls shared this one, and boy did it speak directly to my heart:
Love a person the way they need to be loved, not the way you want to love. It’s not about you. Love is selfless not selfish.
It think this particular issue has always been at the root of our problems. He needs to be loved a certain way…a way that is very different from how I need to be loved or how I feel most comfortable loving.
But it’s not about me.
It’s about us. And they way to keep us…is to change.