I’m still here…

It’s been awhile.

Things have been weird…and hard…and stressful…and well, a whole host of other adjectives.

But I’m hanging on, and hanging in there. And now that my year is getting back to whatever type of normal it promises to be for awhile, I’m settling in, reaffirming my priorities (or finding new ones in some cases), and creating new routines to fit this busy season of our life – Back to School.

I’m a teacher, so this year, things are definitely different. Last Spring, crisis learning was the name of the game, but this year, we are definitely in a situation to provide a much better online experience (for everyone involved). Our county is still in phase 2, so our kids are 100% remote for now, with the hope that we will be phasing in groups as the health situation improves.

I’ve switched content areas this year, which is actually a weight off my shoulders, and…because I am apparently a glutton for punishment and can’t just enjoy that lack of weight, I have opted to go back to school for my admin credential.

On top of that, my husband broke his foot a few weeks ago and is on a knee scooter to get around. It means, for now, that I’m in charge of more than I was, and I’m definitely feeling the stress of it. I’ve taken over cooking dinner, which is normally his job, and usually the time I manage to pump out a post on occasion. That and our busier work and sports schedules have created a situation where I rarely have time to write. It’s not going to get any better any time soon, either, because he’s going back to school this month, and I’m also going back to school in November; it may be a bit of a struggle for awhile.

All of these things have put added pressure on our relationship, too. Without looking at my tracking app, I couldn’t tell you the last time we had sex (for the record, it was July 10th…ouch). Needless to say (but I will anyway, because that’s what I do here), he’s a mess because of it. He’s the kind of guy who really needs that physical intimacy to feel right in the world. It’s his love language…the way he connects. And when our sex life is off, which is, to be honest, too often, our whole relationship sort of caves in.

Unfortunately, I’m the sort of person who can lose myself in work and the routines of life, completely forgetting about sex for absurdly long periods of time.

You’d think, however, after 15 years, I’d have figured out how to prioritize it, since it is so important to him. But, I haven’t. I’d like to say I’m going to do better, and I might for short periods of time. I tend to do that…and then I slide right back into old habits.

We’ve been here before, so the issue is nowhere near new. And I’m tired of fighting about it. I’m tired of feeling guilty about my inconsistent (usually low) sex drive (which only seems to be getting more apparent with age). I’m tired of feeling like our problems are all my fault…like I should be able to just flip a switch and turn up my desire.

Our story isn’t uncommon, but that doesn’t make it any easier to face. We argue about it all the time, and the stress of it bleeds into other areas of our life, causing us to resent each other and fight about other things, like money or parenting…you know, the big three that tend to lead to divorce. But honestly, our marriage is good in every other way.

If I could find a sex genie in a bottle and have 3 wishes granted, I’d wish for a consistent sex drive that is comparable to his. I’d wish to be more adventurous and confident sexually. And I’d wish for him to be able to let things from the past go.

I’ve recently tried a few supplements, and they do improve things minimally. I’m just frustrated because it takes so much work to keep it going. And of course, that makes him feel bad…that I have to put in so much effort to feel desire. Even when he knows I’m not doing anything on purpose, it still hurts to not have your spouse want you sexually.

It is true that we’ve gotten out of the habit of putting each other first. No dates, no alone time…just the same old shit every day. It’s easy to fall in a rut, especially right now. And it’s easy to let resentment seep in.

That’s where we are right now. That’s where we’ve been. And that’s why I’ve been absent for awhile.

It’s hard to be a sex blogger who isn’t even thinking about sex, let alone having it.

And now that we are heading back into our busiest season (school, sports, late dinners, chores pushed to the weekend), trying to get back on track is that much more difficult…and yet, that much more important.

I haven’t lost hope. We have a good life…a good relationship. And I think we have ways of granting each other grace and acceptance…the ability to compromise, even if we don’t yet know what that compromise will be.

Basically, we’re back to figuring out our work/life balance, which, while difficult, is not impossible.

Even though I’ve been struggling to write any blog posts, because of lack of time, I’ve been writing lots of #tinypoems