My EJC Responses

Drowning My Way Back to the Surface

You know how when things get bad, they sometimes need to hit rock bottom before you can make any progress? I know not everyone deals with things that way, but for me, that’s often the way it goes. It’s like I’m sinking, and kicking, and just making things worse as I drown myself, and then suddenly I stop fighting and begin floating back to the surface.

Mr. D and I have a rather tumultuous marriage at times…to the point that I’m sure some would tell us it would be healthier to go our separate ways. I’ve said that here before, and I’ve also explained that this simply isn’t the way either of us wants to handle our difficulties. Because, honestly, even when we are drowning, we are connected by a lifeline.

Sometimes in the sinking, he fights more, pulling me down with him. Sometimes it’s me that pulls us down. We sink and rise together…sometimes in tandem, sometimes working against each other.

But, we are always connected. It is our blessing and our curse…the thing that hurts us and saves us.

In early August, he broke his foot, and since, he’s been laid up at home. The injury hasn’t been healing well, and he’s stuck on the couch, unable to help out much.

The situation has exacerbated some resentments on both sides.

I’m trying to hold down the fort, working full time, taking care of all the household duties (except the bills), etc….growing frustrated and feeling guilty for it, since I know he has no power over his current inability to help out.

He’s sitting around the house all day, unable to do anything except think about all the things that piss him off.

I get up at 5, go to work until 3, take the kid to sports, deal with dinner, do the laundry, clean the house, and basically have no impetus to even consider desire by the time I sit on the couch with a drink.

And under the current circumstances, we have absolutely no time alone, other than when our son goes to bed.

There is no date night, no time off, nowhere to go.

And by the time the weekend gets here, I’m catching up on all the things I don’t have time to accomplish during the week…and sleeping…because I’m exhausted.

We aren’t experiencing anything different from many of you. This whole business of being stuck at home all the time has us feeling trapped.

And basically we just need to come up with ways to prioritize the things that are most important.

I’ve redesigned my schedule repeatedly, trying to fit in reading, writing, a few workouts, a date, and it’s proving to be a real struggle. It’s why I haven’t been writing much lately. Ultimately, I have to look at the amount of time I have in my day, schedule the stuff that has to get done (work, sports, dinner) and then work around those to fit in the stuff I want to do or that needs to happen (like time alone with my husband…which never seems to occur until I’m too tired to appreciate it).

I’m fully aware of the “plan a date night” strategy, and I think we really have to bite the bullet and just do it. We used to have Friday nights, because our son would stay at his grandparents, but since Covid hit, he’s not been doing that. This means he’s home every day and every night. And while he’s just old enough to leave at home if we want to go out to dinner, his presence is not condusive to “sexy time…” even if I had the energy for it.

I know what the problem is. I know how to solve the problem, too. But knowing and doing are two very different prospects.

I just need time to sit with it, I guess. Time to drown for a bit until I can give up the fight and float.

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