It’s supposed to be private right? Between you and that special someone (or at least between you and that FWB or one-night-stand). Not something you go blabbing about around the water cooler or publishing on the internet. But, many of us do it, anyway.
Why do I blog about my sex life for the world to see?
Lately I’ve been really mulling over the why’s of this blog, as I continue to place myself among the multitude of sexbloggers and find my specific niche (because that’s how you best place yourself with the right readers…which is part of my “why,” and I’ll get to that in a minute).
I write about sex for myself, to begin with. And yes, I know, I could (and some might think I should) do that in a journal and keep that shit to myself.
I’ve struggled with sexuality my entire life. And I wouldn’t count myself even close to alone in that. I know from experience that the majority of people struggle with it…probably because we don’t talk about it enough in the mainstream.
As a young person, I mainly struggled with questions like: Is this normal? Am I doing this right? Does this make me weird? But, back then, I was too terrified to ask those questions of anyone. So, like many, I followed the lead of others (friends and boyfriends) and leaned on their experiences to help me figure out my own path. I stumbled and meandered and fucked up quite a few times because of my (and their) youthful ignorance.
In my late high school and early college years, I found erotica. It was a treasure trove of information, and I took copious mental notes about what to do and how to do it, but I didn’t spend a whole lot of time considering what turned me on or why. My mission was still more about others than it was about me: What did men expect from me? How should I go about pleasing them?
I’ll admit I was fairly lucky in my relationships during these years. A few minimally traumatic moments occurred, but for the most part, my sexual experiences were respectful and loving, if not adventurous or creative. I learned that basically, as long as I was willing to spread my legs, that was about all that was expected of me. (Believe me…I’ve learned it is much more complicated that this…and that a helluvalot more is expected of me now.)
But, erotica turned out to be as deceptive to my young mind as internet porn is for so many young people today.
At the same time, I was also reading more than my fair share of Anais Nin’s non-fiction – considering her “language of the feminine” and finding a voice for women’s sexuality. I became sort of addicted to reading personal accounts of sexuality, delving into how other women were understanding their own needs and wants and desires and how they were learning to explain it in words.
I didn’t have the confidence to do that (yet), but I was intrigued that others did. And I couldn’t get enough of their stories.
So, while I continued to read and watch erotic stories, letting them infiltrate me with ideas and begin building my fantasy Rolodex, I was, unbeknownst to myselve at the time, blossoming as an independent sexual being. I was subconsciously beginning to ask the right questions: What turns me on? Why does this or that work for me? What feels good? What kind of lover do I want?
This blog is an extension of that ongoing internal dialogue. And I share it because I know I’m not the only one asking those questions, and I wish I’d had access to this information when I was younger.
Not that I expect young people would be reading this blog. In fact, I hope they aren’t. But, there are many people who are coming to these questions later in life, wondering if there is something wrong with them for wanting the things they do or not wanting the things that they have.
I don’t write about all aspects of sexuality. I write about the ones that matter to me, namely sex drive, married sex, sex and aging, sex and parenting, D/s, and sometimes non-monogamy, because those are the things that surface on a regular basis in the Delaney household. So, my audience is likely to be made up of people who are interested in those things, as well.
Which brings me to another reason I blog about my sex life. I blog to connect with others who have similar interests, questions, and problems. We learn from each other, and as I am in a constant state of becoming, I gain a lot of wisdom from others who write about sex in similar ways to me.
I also still read and watch erotica that is more closely related to my own sexual desires and fantasies. Of course, I know there is benefit in reading outside of my box, and I do, on occasion, for just that reason. Sometimes, I find that I am turned on by things that surprise me, and I have to follow that lead to discover why.
And that leads me back to my “why.”
This blog is, first and foremost, about me and my sexuality. I suppose one could say that this is narcissistic…to continually write about one’s desires and thoughts and feelings and expect that others would want to read it. But, it’s more about introspection and connection than it is about performing.
My “why” is this: I write to learn. I write to learn about what it is I want and need and why that is. I write to share that with others who may not have the same ability to question themselves and uncover those things within themselves without a little guidance.
When I started blogging about sex (over 10 years ago now), I don’t think I had a handle on why I was writing. I knew I wanted to write. I knew I wanted to share my writing. And I knew I wanted to make connections with others. But, I didn’t really have a handle on a focus for my writing. I scrabbled for topics and wrote to every meme prompt I could find. And, as expected, my blog was all over the place. It had no central, defining theme.
It’s taken a long time, but I think I’ve come to this. My focus is the difficulty (and opportunity) of personal sexuality within a relationship. Long term love and sex…and all the complications that come with that. Sexuality as we age.
I continue to write about sex because it keep my head and heart in the game. It keeps me reading the work of others. It holds me accountable to an audience that expects me to continue learning and sharing (or at least cheers me on, which is nearly as motivating). And I’ve found, that for me, as long as I keep reading and writing about sex…I keep thinking about it. For someone with sex drive issues, thinking about sex is one of the most important things I can do to keep my libido going.
So, if you want to get right down to brass tacks: I blog about sex because it keeps me in touch with my sexuality.