It’s likely to be a bit of a rambling hodge-podge today. Things are a bit of a swirling mess in my head, and I’m trying to find clarity.
First off, I stopped doing Noom. Just over a month, and I gained 4 pounds on the program. Not really the direction I was trying to go, so, I jumped of the cart and within days I was down almost 4 pounds. I think the over-thinking about every calorie I put in my mouth was doing the exact opposite of what it should have done. Knowing I couldn’t or shouldn’t have things just made me want them more and logging every meal had me constantly thinking about food…which made me hungry. And eating made me feel guilty. None of that is good. So… I relaxed my plan and decided simply to focus each day on sleeping, hydrating, and moving. Done.
In the land of sex – well, things aren’t grand. Mr. D came home yesterday, and though I started my day by shaving my entire body (well…not my entire body…that would take hours and a whole lot more expertise and patience than I have) in the (subconscious?) obvious expectation (or hope?) that we would be having some “welcome home” sex.
I’ll claim the fault. I didn’t make a move…but in my defense (and yes…it’s likely an excuse and a bunch of blubbering justification), his body language said “nope,” and it appeared that he was worse off mentally when he returned from his little jaunt than he was when he left (he admitted later in the evening that he’d likely had too much time alone in his head while he was away). We didn’t talk about it, as we have a rule about discussing serious relationship stuff at night, and instead we spent the evening sipping drinks and binging Hulu. We held hands and snuggled on the couch, and there were moments when his touches brought intermittent tingles and singes of desire. It’s still there. I can feel it just below the surface. But, I knew last night just wasn’t the time.
This morning, we talked, and he suggested going to a sex therapist. So I spent some time today trying to find some possibilities near us. We live a bit from the city, and out here, sex therapy is pretty much non-existent. Maybe people don’t have sex out here? Or just don’t have sexual issues? I guess it’s like any field…specialists are more likely to be found where the populations are largest, as the pool of possible clients is larger. I’m not sure, but after having been to three marriage counselors, we know that general marriage counseling is not what we are after. This is a very specific problem that needs very specific intervention and support. When you start talking D/s and non-monogamy with a general therapist, they have a tendency to freak out a bit. And even if they don’t, it’s just not part of their skill set, and without that, they aren’t much help to us.
What I found is something we can do online, but “wow” is therapy (and especially that kind) pricey! (I know, I know…can’t put a price on love…or lust…or whatever…) We’ll see where it goes.
Our conversation was good. We know we’ve got work to do. And we both want our marriage to survive. But seriously, polar sex drives is problematic, and a history of libido issues and personal ideal discrepancies regarding alternative relationships has created resentment and trust issues, which is never good. That stuff has a propensity for grenading marriages.
BTW: The D/s has pretty much dried up and blown away with the wind (per the libido issues), and now we’re floating around each other in this space just sighing and wringing our hands. Nobody seems to know what to do.
Work is shit. But at least it is over for awhile.
His work is shit…and that doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon.
And Twitter has just been giving me fucking headaches. I nearly blew up my account today and walked away from everything…including this blog. But then some very lovely friends talked me out of the tree and reminded me that my voice is important and…
Yeah…time to let them go…not myself. That was crazy talk, because what the fuck would I do without Brigit? Losing her, especially now, could be seriously detrimental to my soul. I need her right now. She’s the sexual, sensual part of me, and without her, how am I supposed to heal those bent pieces inside of me?
So, I thought a lot all day. I listened to some music (and while you may have an image of me belting out “Let It Go” at the top of my lungs alone in my truck, that is not how it went down…but I did find some solace…and I did sing at the top of my lungs). And I reconsidered how I wanted to do a few things.
First, Twitter is toxic and I spend entirely too much energy caring about what too many people I don’t even know think. So, I’m gonna use Twitter a little differently. I’ll continue to post my work there, and people can still DM me if needed. But I’m staying off of the feed. I want nothing more to do with that insanity. I’m tired of trying to figure out who’s in and who’s out and why. I’m tired of trying to figure out if I’m somehow implicated because of my proximity to another or my willingness to support them or their projects. I try to support everyone in the sex-blogging community, but as some have stopped supporting me, I’m left wondering if I’m even “allowed” to participate in events and memes and it’s really just fucking damaging to my soul.
That said, unless I know I am welcome, I’m pretty likely to just stay away. That means, if you comment on or like my posts, I’ll assume you are visiting my blog and are still supportive. If you don’t, I won’t know you exist. Basically, if you engage with me, I’ll engage with you. And that is fine by me. It means I’ll likely be leaving some connections to disappear. But, hopefully, new ones will take their place. The internet (and wide land of sex-related blogs) is a big place with plenty of room for everyone.
This blog has to be, first and foremost, a safe space for ME. And I would hope that the people who follow it and join in on my challenges and interact with me would feel it is a safe space for them to share themselves and bare their souls. That’s what this is about. Connecting. Building each other up. Creating community.
So, while I’m not sure anymore if I belong to a greater sexblogging community, I do have friends here. I was made quite happily aware of that today. And I thank everyone who rushed to my support when I had a bit of a meltdown.
I’m not sure what else to say. But, I will promise you this. Brigit is okay. Brigit is still here. She’s not going anywhere. She’s just pulling in her extremities and sticking close to home for awhile.
It’s a scary world out there right now, and I’m just not interested in going back out into the storm.