Having a public blog is somewhat like being in a relationship.

In the beginning, it is tenuous and exciting. There is so much promise and hope and confusion and emotion. So much to build. However, it’s young, and if it doesn’t work out, there might be a few tears, but it can be rebuilt. The foundation is fluid.

If you manage to set some roots in solid ground and gain some followers…it’s harder to start over, change, or let go. Because there are expectations. Even if they’re just your own.

I’ve been blogging since sometime around 2008. I started with a few poetry and lifestyle blogs, but I didn’t have any followers,and then I finally settled on writing mainly erotic fiction and sharing a bit of my sex life. I found my niche. I also figured out how to get followers and make connections. Networking became a thing.

Over time, “The Lustful Literate” eventually became “Brigit Delaney,” and I moved to self-hosting (in 2018). I felt pretty solid in the blogging move, too. I started a meme, gained a handful of participants (up to twenty in a go), posted some ads, wrote some sex toy reviews, and judged a few memes and projects for others. I even earned a few accolades.

I found “friends” and began spending hours commenting and sharing and supporting others. I went to Eroticon…and people recognized who I was by name. I felt I’d sort of “made it” in the sex-blogging community.

I wouldn’t say I built an empire…far from it. And honestly, it isn’t why I started writing. Originally, I wrote for my own amusement and to simply “get things out.” When I started writing for an audience rather than just for myself, things changed quite a bit.

And the whole thing started to feel like work.

I’ve backed away a few times over the years, for various reasons. Sometimes personal, sometimes because I’d lost my writing mojo. But I’ve never backed away because the community felt like an unsafe place to be.

I didn’t start writing to join a community. Rather, a community sort of found me. Nowadays, though, that community is a little broken, and I find myself being torn between friends and ideals and having to decide just how important this whole blogging thing really is to me anymore.

I never got into writing to be political. But it seems that, to some, if I don’t give over my blog to supporting their fights, I am somehow against them, and therefore shunned by that part of the community.

So, I’ve pulled back a bit. I’ve dropped the ads. I’m not doing reviews (I don’t enjoy writing them, anyway, even if I do get free merchandise out of it). And I’ve felt pretty devoid of writing ideas lately.

So, I’ve simplified, founded a new prospect (The Erotic Poetry Challenge), and tried to rethink where I want to go with this website.

I’ve also considered the very real possibility that I may have just hit the end of this road.

Like any relationship…it is only worth keeping if it is fulfilling some part of me. And right now, this community is not fulfilling me. Instead, it is filling me with stress. The judgement and hate coming from a side that purports love and acceptance of all is just more than I can fucking stand. The irony is deep.

I support everyone’s right to love and be who they want. But, my blog isn’t about that. It’s about how I love…and about who I am. It always has been. And I realize not everyone wants to read about that, which is okay. It isn’t newsworthy. It’s not the type of blog that is going to attract hundreds of followers.

I’m okay with not being part of the club. I’ve never been part of the club, anyway. I’ve always been on the cusp…right on the edge.

Tenuous. Fluid.

My writing roots have never found solid ground. And if I have to hurt or shun others to be accepted, or go against my own opinions or truths to be part of something…it simply isn’t worth it for me.

I’m okay with being left behind.

It’s actually a little freeing to let go of expectations, especially since I likely put those expectations on myself. I envision what others want, and then I try to fulfill it…to become it. But, I can’t be what others want. I can only be me. And if me is “wrong” or not enough or somehow lacking for you, then you’ve probably stopped reading my blog long ago. If you’re still here, expect to see more of just me. Just my thoughts. Just my experiences. Because you’re the community that matters…to me.

I’m probably not going to meme as much, either, simply because I’m trying to focus on my own personal projects. I’ll try to slip it in when it fits, but I’m not putting that expectation on myself anymore. I might also not comment or twitter share like I’ve done.

Once again…because stress.

Whatever happened in this community is disheartening. But, I’ve made up my mind. I’m not going to be a part of the contention.

You might not like the new Brigit…but then again, she might be just what you’d been hoping for.

 

10 Replies to “It’s hard for me to write this…”

  1. Brigit, you took the words right out of my mouth! I am looking forward to seeing how things develop for you. I for one think your thoughts about your blog are spot on. I come here to read your thoughts and point of view, and will continue to do so for as long as you continue to write 😊
    Sweet Autumn Rose recently posted…Feminism and meMy Profile

    1. Thanks for the support, Sweet. I plan to put my money where my mouth is, too…supporting those (like you) who matter most to me in this blogging sphere. Community is what you make it…

  2. I totally get where you are coming from. I started writing because Sir thought it would help me process my feelings and it turned into something bigger which is a bit stressful.

    Be true to yourself and if your audience changes, it’s not a reflection of who you are. Blogging should be meaningful to the writer as I feel like that’s what blogs started out to be. I hope that you are able to write as you please. Your voice does matter even if it sounds different from mine or the next person.

  3. I have always come here to read YOU, and I will continue to do so, because I value your words and your insights, and many times they have sparked thoughts in my own mind, that in the end helped me to see things differently, to learn new things about myself. So yes, I will continue reading you 🙂
    ~ Marie

  4. “My writing roots have never found solid ground. And if I have to hurt or shun others to be accepted, or go against my own opinions or truths to be part of something…it simply isn’t worth it for me.”

    I salute you!

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