Experience,  Opinion

The Perfect Submissive…

…exists only in fiction and film.

And fiction and film can be disheartening to those who wish to find an identity in the world of D/s.

I may not be the one to give advice on submission, as I personally feel like I am wanting in this role, but I truly think it’s a journey of becoming; and if you are in a D/s relationship, it’s a journey of becoming together, which is even more complex.

What works for one, may not work for another, and therefore, in my opinion, there is no perfect submission, no one better way to be submissive.

In my own relationship, while I can honestly say, I’m not a very good submissive (even by my own definition), it doesn’t mean I’m not submissive to my Husband. And just because He does not always control me or guide me, or even get from me what He wants as a submissive, it does not mean he is not dominant.

The characteristics of submissiveness and dominance can exist separately from the D/s roles. Even when I am not “a submissive,” I am still in a submissive role when it comes to my relationship with my Husband. Those qualities exist within us without theatrics, routines, rituals, or the like. They are simply the ways in which we interact with each other. We were (and are) drawn to to those qualities within each other.

In some ways, I think I (mainly) have tried to impose upon us a particular version of D/s that comes from the outside world and that does not always fit us comfortably. Rather than simply going with what feels right and knowing that our characteristics are complimentary, I have seen things in movies and read things in books and on the internet, and I have sought after them because they seem like the things I should be doing. Of course, these resources have helped me to discover some activities and rituals that I like, but they have not really helped me to create a D/s relationship. Nearly everything we have “tried on” has failed, because it was not “us.” We have had to create it from the inside out, and even then, we have struggled to live up to our own demands.

For the most part, I have felt like a failure as a sub, and I have often felt that our D/s relationship was failing because we were not fulfilling this or that vision of what it should be.

But, I’m beginning to see that dominance and submission are deeply ingrained qualities for us. Even though I don’t always submit to His demands, I am still submissive in relation to Him. And even though I don’t always submit to His wishes, he is dominant in relation to me.

If we were to drop the labels and the rules today, we would still be dominant and submissive.

It doesn’t mean I don’t seek to be a better submissive, but I think it is important to distinguish between the internal “being” of submissiveness and the external display of submission.

I am His submissive whether I kneel before Him or stand beside Him. I am His submissive even when I am difficult for Him. I am His submissive when I disappoint Him, when I ignore the rules, and when I say no. It doesn’t change who we are inside and who we are to each other.

I may not always be in the mood to play the part. When I’m tired, when I’m ill, when I’m wrapped up in an activity, I’m not good at dropping things to fulfill His demands. I pout and huff and puff about it at those times. But, when it comes right down to it, I don’t challenge His authority in our relationship.

As in any long term relationship, where one possesses the authority, I am not always willing to follow or happy about it. That’s human, I believe. It does not mean that I am not His submissive.

One person’s “perfect submission” (what fits, most of the time) may be very different from yours. Our D/s may be very different from yours. But, every style and type and possibility can be “right” as long as the person or people involved are happy with it.

So what is my perfect submission? I’ll get to that tomorrow….

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  • Marie Rebelle

    I am so with you on this. Back when we started our D/s I really wanted to be the submissive I found in books and on blogs, and I wanted Master T to want me to be that submissive but he didn’t. From the beginning he followed his own path, until eventually I realized that I shouldn’t try to be the submissive from the books, but I should be HIS submissive. That made things easier, especially as I could stay true to my submissive self. Great post!

    Rebel xox

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