My “Vision” of Dominance

This is a follow-up piece to My submissive “Vision”

I’ve always be drawn to quiet dominance in men…not the sort of loud, brazen “I’m in charge here” arrogance that can be mistaken for dominance. The type you can feel in your bones and see in His eyes.

My Husband need not say a word for me to know that a switch has been flipped and things are no longer up for discussion. His eyes can tell me “No” or “Stop” or “Begin” or “You’re on thin ice” or any number of things without His words ever getting called in to play.

The fact that I respond to this, willingly or no, is what proves to me that I am submissive to Him. It’s like a dog’s impetus to roll over and show their belly in the presence of a more dominant dog.

I wouldn’t do it with just anyone, but I have done it with Him since the very first instance of eye contact over 14 years ago.

It took many years before I could name (and request more of) what was happening between us at the basest level. Our sex life ramped up a bit at times, and eventually, I realized that I liked things better when He took control. But the first time I actually asked for Him to be my Dominant, I don’t think I really knew what it was that I wanted…or what it would require of me.

I’m still not completely sure…but there are a few things that are at the core of my desire for Dominance. These aren’t always things I like, but they are things I need.

Head of the Household

We have pretty much always had traditional roles in our home. He does the “man’s work,” while I do the “woman’s work.” (Though, I’ll admit, He’s a much better cook, and therefore He has mostly taken over that duty.) I’m all for equality, and I know that He respects me as a woman. It’s not about Him being more important than me or me having no say in how our home runs or what we do with our money. We make all major decisions together, but I leave a lot of it to Him. He makes most of the financial decisions, takes care of the budgeting and expenses. I don’t ask to spend money on normal everyday things, and I don’t ask if I can go places or do things. He isn’t my father, and I’m not a child — this type of Dominance feels a bit micro-managerial to both of us, I think. So even though I sometimes refer to Him as “Daddy,” there are only certain aspects of Daddy Dom/baby girl (DD/bg) that appeal. For example, when I’ve done Him proud in some way, and He calls me “good girl,” my insides pretty much turn to mush.

He’s not the “provider” so much as the “protector” (as we both have careers and earn comparable wages). He makes me feel safe, and I trust that He’s got us and that He will make the best decisions for us all. It takes a lot of stress off of my shoulders to know that.

Dominant in the Bedroom

It might seem obvious that I’d like a man who is dominant in the bedroom, but not all D/s relationships involve sex, even for those of us who are married or in long term relationships. That’s why I think it is important to be clear about our D/s needs. Some people crave the service aspect, or need someone to keep their non-sexual behaviors in line. Some people want to keep their D/s long-distance, while others (like me) want to become a natural part of every aspect of my life.

Basically, I don’t want it to feel like work. Which is why I’m trying to figure out the parts of it that don’t feel like I’m having to do much at all…the things that just naturally occur because that’s the way we are together. That’s not to say that I’m expecting it to happen without me putting in some time and effort, but I think that finding out the way D/s naturally happens in a relationship might help us to define our particular style of D/s better, rather than trying to force our square selves into round holes. D/s will look different in absolutely every relationship, and while I think it okay to look to fiction and other people’s experiences to figure out what we might like to try, ultimately, we have to create a world that works for us. We don’t have to live up to anyone else’s definition or expectation.

Our D/s most obviously started in the bedroom, which is a natural place for it to begin, really, While it was much bigger and went much deeper than that for us, I wasn’t aware of it until after we began being more open about it in the bedroom.

We didn’t always go about it in the wisest of ways. I read a few books, and we began to try things on. Unfortunately, every time we tried to take it out of the bedroom, or when someone else got involved sort of blew up in our faces (we were swinging at the time, and He was keen on having a second submissive, even though I had no clear idea on what or who I was as His submissive yet – now, it seems obvious that we were well out of our element and not ready to be taking things in that direction). I was trying to hard to be what I thought a submissive should be, and what I thought He wanted me to be, rather than being true to my own submissive needs and working with Him to find a path that worked for us both.

I think I had this idea that D/s was a set thing…that there was one true way to go about it, and if I didn’t like that or couldn’t live up to it’s demands, then I wasn’t really a submissive. All these years later, I’m much more aware that there are a million ways (and reasons) to do this.

But, the bedroom is where is started, and it’s where it plays out in its most obvious ways.

Invisible Power Dynamic

There are, however, a lot of ways His dominance is not seen. If an outsider didn’t know, they would likely not realize we have a D/s relationship at all. We co-parent, we run a household together, we both work and make comparable salaries, we both have degrees and certifications beyond high school. I’m also in positions of leadership at work…positions that ensure my more dominant characteristics are front and center on a regular basis. So, to the outsider’s view, I’m nowhere near “submissive” in personality. But with Mr. D, all it takes is a particular look or touch or feeling to call forth all my submissive feels. He can put me in my place rather immediately, and even though I sometimes really don’t like it, that power dynamic is just naturally there. If we hadn’t determined to live a D/s lifestyle, I may be more likely to fight those feelings, say, in an argument or when I want something. But, because we have consciously and cooperatively determined to engage in this dynamic, I don’t fight them openly.

I’m not going to say I don’t pout or roll my eyes inwardly when I have to do something I don’t want to…but I rarely say no or argue when He’s made a decision. That being said, as a married couple, we discuss things that will impact us both greatly and make those decisions together. For example, He’s not going to go out and buy a car without consulting me, and I can (and do) say no to things like that. After all…that’s our livelihood and savings at stake. I’ll admit, there’s quite a bit about our finances that I don’t know…but that’s a choice; I trust His judgement in that part of our life because He’s better at financial matters than I am (we all have our gifts, yes?). Neither of us do big things involving our son without discussing it with the other, either. Discipline is shared, though Daddy is definitely the heavier hand in that realm; mom is the nurturer and the mediator most of the time (see what I’m saying about those traditional roles?).

Honestly, much of our “D/s” is what I’d call “invisible” to the outside world. Even our son, who is very close to us and around us all the time would likely have no idea. We try very hard to make sure He gets a sense of respect between us and sees nothing of our dynamic (other than our rather traditional roles) so he can make his own decisions about how to interact in later relationships. We don’t want our dynamic to color his possibilities, and…quite honestly, I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to know about it right now (or ever, really), anyway.

It’s our business (and yours, of course).

Wicked Wednesday’s prompt this week is “Perseverance,” and while this post isn’t about that, I do believe we have shown perseverance in our D/s relationship. It hasn’t always been easy. It’s fallen apart several times, and we’ve revived it, namely because there are deep aspects of it that both of us need and that seem to be inherent within us.

Food 4 Thought’s prompt this week is “Initiative, Taking Charge, and Making Things Happen.” I figured a post on dominance fit with that, as well.


  • a mental switch

    That was very thoughtful. When we started D/s (first with me the D, now with me as the s) we read books and websites and it felt like a template we had to adhere to. But so much was unique and situational to our relationship. Maybe it just takes time and patience to figure things out.
    a mental switch recently posted…Cane me until I cryMy Profile

    • Brigit Delaney

      I think you are absolutely right. It takes time and patience to figure out what you, uniquely, need and want and to learn what works best for you and your partner. I think it is okay to try things on and read and watch what others are doing in order to learn and experiment. But in the end, your D/s will be your own brand.

  • Marie Rebelle

    This was like reading an excerpt from our lives, as our D/s and relationship definitely is very similar than yours, from the consulting on buying a car, to the look that can totally put me in a submissive headspace. We are just doing it our way, and have always said our marriage comes before D/s, but D/s is such an integral part of our personalities, that it’s always present, even when it’s low.

    Rebel xox

    • Brigit Delaney

      I think that’s why it never goes away for us…why, even when we aren’t practicing anything outright, it’s still an undercurrent.

  • May More

    Ah “one look is all it took” – and so true for so many people. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with having traditional roles in the home – it works for so many and sounds like it is part of your D’s dynamic. Thou in my house, like in yours, my man cooks far better than me!
    My submission only appears to work in the bedroom but i can imagine for u guys who are bringing it into every day life it is important to take the bits that work for u – I can’t think there would be a template that works for all …
    May More recently posted…Wounded Knee Part Two ~ Meniscus TearMy Profile

  • Sweetgirl

    I really enjoyed this Brigit, it was interesting to read, and I thought it insightful too. I think it is a common thing to believe there is a right way to be submissive and that can make it difficult to find your own path, but I see how with perseverance you found it.

    Sweetgirl x

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