I’m sorry to confess it, but honestly, I’m a fairweather submissive.
I’m up for it when it’s easy, when I have the energy for it, the time for it…when it doesn’t ask too much of me.
I have been such for a long time, and I’ve tried (sort of) time and again to be better. Often enough that some might say I should just give up, that it isn’t for me, that I’m not really a submissive.
And yet, I am. Or at least I’m some semblance of one…on my way to becoming one.
No matter how poorly I demonstrate it or live up to my own expectations (or His).
That’s the thing about identity. We are what we say we are, what we feel we are, even if no one else sees it yet.
We are even more what we demonstrate.
Because I can feel like a submissive…identify as one…and yet, if I do not show it through actions, I am not His submissive…to be such, I must live up to our shared expectations.
Right now, I live up to the ones that are most convenient for me…the easiest. I fight or dismiss the ones that I find abhorrent or difficult.
I’m not proud of it. I want to be better. And I guess that’s a beginning. But, looking at my rules and at my vision, I know that there is much work to be done before I can truly say that I am His submissive.
I am a work in progress, I suppose. I am not the best version of myself…yet. But, I’m working on it.