Almost every weekend, Mr. D and I have a “marriage talk” — a sort of state of the union, if you will. It’s an opportunity to discuss things that are bothering us or things we’d like to change, and one of the things that came up a few weekends ago is that we’re seeing a marked rise in difficulty creating space for an adequate amount of “adult” time.
Even though we recently moved into a house that moved our bedroom further from our son’s, he’s now at an age where he is more aware and doesn’t just sleep through everything. We’re having to be more careful and creative.
We aren’t the only ones going through this, I know, but having a sex life, let alone a D/s sex life (which tends to be a bit noisier in our experience), is difficult when you have young ears hanging around.
This has been a bit of a difficult week for me. A death in the family has made it hard to think straight, and it has sapped me of all energy.
But today is Wednesday, and, per a new agreement made during our “marriage talk,” it is supposed to be devoted to a little D/s action in the evening. Two weekends ago, we discussed how little D/s time we are getting, and so we scheduled in Wednesdays as D/s night. I know it may sound silly…after all, we live it 24/7, right? Shouldn’t we be doing things more often than that?
Well, as I wrote in my last post, the fantasy of D/s is not always the reality. And in our world right now, scheduling time is necessary to make sure we devote at least a little time to the actual hands-on acting out of our D/s.
Sure we always have the roles…and sure we always know who’s boss – His place at the head of our family is not questioned. We don’t have to have spankings and rituals and punishments to know that He is dominant to me and I am submissive to Him.
But if we are to have the D/s relationship we both want, one in which He is an active Dominant and I am an active submissive, we feel we do need a few touchstones. A few rituals and some time devoted that solidifies and renews our commitment to this type of relationship, not just the roles we have identified in ourselves and each other.
Maybe this is a terrible metaphor, but it’s sort of like going to church, I suppose. We can be believers without going, without any sort of “show” of our faith. But, without this regular show of faith, it is easy to lose touch. Our little rituals and rules are a way of continually reconnecting to our D/s commitment. They are a way for us to keep it alive.
Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe that we can be a D/s couple without any rules or rituals. I know that works for some. And honestly, even when we are “out of sorts,” not following any rules or rituals, there is still no question to our roles with each other. There need be no spankings or sexual demands for us to be Dominant and submissive. Because that is who we are at our core.
Also, things may be different at times because we are also married. Other things take precedence over D/s activities. Sometimes our schedule just doesn’t allow it. Sometimes we are exhausted. Sometimes shit happens, and I need to be comforted and nurtured rather than spanked and fucked (though that might help to clear my head right now – to be honest). Mr. D knows that, and we do a fairly decent job of reading each other’s needs. Monday, we just needed to sit on the couch and lose ourselves in a funny movie and I needed several stiff drinks. Yesterday was a little better, but I’m feeling drained emotionally, which is affecting me physically. Sitting on the couch, losing myself in TV and alcohol might sound like I’m avoiding dealing with my grief. But, I’m not. I’m simply doling it out in increments I can stand.
This is life. We’re married first and D/s second (at least in my view of things). If we stopped doing anything having to do with D/s, we would still be dominant and submissive personalities within our marriage.
To go back to my terrible metaphor, our marriage is like our church, and D/s is a set of many rituals we perform within it. It is a collection of ways we exhibit our connection and faith in our relationship. There are other ways, of course, not everything we do to connect is related to sex of D/s. But this is one way to strengthen and act out our belief in each other.